I am still here.

I have just been a really busy girl.

Here is a list of things that have been going on "behind the scenes" that you may or may not be already aware of.

1. I recently severed ties with everyone from my father's side of the family. I have spent too many years hurting and heartbroken. I will not be a doormat, "the black sheep", or "THAT Jackie" anymore. I have never been part of their world and I never will be. It took me 15 years to realize that truth.

2. Before severing ties with everyone from my father's side of the family, I also severed ties with many people on my mother's side of the family. I remain in touch with my Grandma, my Aunt Lynn, and my Aunt Kathy. That is all. I will not explain the reasons why I came to this decision, but it was one that needed to happen years ago. I just finally got the courage to stand up for myself one last time. Those of you who are close to me already know the history with this side of the family, so I know in my heart you understand my reasons why.

3. I am still working at the Children's Shelter and while it is busy and crazy some days, I can't imagine doing anything else in the world. Yes, there are a few personality differences here and there, but I LOVE my job and consider it the one of the best opportunities that has ever happened to me.

4. Holley is growing up faster than I ever thought possible. She will be 16 in November. She will be a licensed driver and that fact scares me to death. She is busy with school, life, friends, and being a typical teenager these days.

5. Danielle is also growing like a weed. We had a small party here at our home for her 12th birthday this past month. She recently got braces and while I am sure they are uncomfortable and hurt at times, I can already see a difference in her self esteem. She is smiling and talking more than she has in the 8 years she has been in my life. I love that!!

6. Kendall just celebrated his 11th birthday in August. He is now well over 5' tall and eats us out of house and home. He currently wears a size 9 1/2 men's shoe. WOW!! He is staying busy playing with friends, school, and trying to navigate that thing called puberty.

7. Jason and I are doing better than ever. We only see each other at certain times during the day and night due to our different work schedules, but we are growing closer and stronger each day. I love him with all of my heart and appreciate the support he has given me while I struggled with the hard decisions concerning my family.

8. I am doing some training with the Crisis Center and plan to travel to Boston this December to complete even more training. I will be attending a two day class to prepare me for facilitating a support group for suicide survivors. This group will be specific to youth, ages 5-17, who have lost a loved one or friend to suicide. I am nervous and excited, but SO READY for this journey to begin. I am doing this for my son and all the other children out there who feel they have no one they can talk to that TRULY understand how they feel.

9. On top of our jobs, kids, life, and all the busyness these things bring day to day, Jason and I have had one more blow to our life. On the morning of September 25th, I had a miscarriage. I had no idea I was even pregnant. We were told three years ago that our chances of conceiving naturally where <1%. We have been trying to have a baby together for 7 years now. So....there I was, in the ER, laying on the a very uncomfortable hospital stretcher, when they told me. Needless to say, I was in shock. I couldn't call Jason at work for various reasons, I couldn't reach my mother-in-law, and I was all alone. I got the news, was told to return in two days for another ultrasound and then, I took a cab home. The doctor had given me morphine for pain which made it unsafe for me to drive. I came home, went to bed, cried, and tried to make it through the next few hours.

The next few days.

The next week.

10. Yes, we are very sad and somewhat depressed by this loss, but we remain hopeful. Jason more so at this point than I am. At least we know now that I CAN get pregnant. So, it is with a humble heart, and not one seeking "I'm so sorry", or sympathy, or attention, that I ask you to pray for us.

For healing, for peace, for comfort.

And, also, for a viable pregnancy.

With love....

What are you listening to...

on your drive home from work?

My drive just so happens to take place at 6am every morning, Sunday through Thursday. I love to roll the windows down, turn up the volume and sing at the top of my lungs all the way home. It's my time to be crazy, drive fast, and sing away all the stress from work, family....life.

I am one of those people who live for music. It feeds me. Keeps me sane.

Makes me happy. :)

Here are a few of my favorites from my "drive home" playlist.

***Scroll to the very bottom of this page and click the pause button on the player so you can listen***

This song remains in my Top Ten "Get Happy Fast" list...

And this one? Well, you simply can't NOT feel good when you listen to it. Makes me want to run away from all the stress in the world...




An old one from high school (Amy, you will remember this one!!)



This song is at the very top of my drive list. It has been there for a number of years. I play it in the car and sing to my Mama, my Daddy, Charlie and Johnny. I pray for my children, I remember my loved ones, and I smile inside. :)



And, the last one for today. This song makes my husband crazy, but I LOVE it. It makes me happy.

I didn't want to write this post

But....I have to. It's time.

I am hanging up my camera.

Indefinitely.

And, it's not because I want to. It's because I have to.

I have mentioned on my facebook more than one time that some changes were coming and since then I have been putting off writing this post. Well, I can't wait another day.

I am hanging up my camera so that I can devote more time and energy to the Arkansas Crisis Center. I will be doing some training at the end of this week to prepare myself for the changes ahead. A few weeks ago I received an invitation in the mail from them to join the development advisory committee and I am jumping at the chance. For the last four years I have longed to be in a position to devote hours and days of my time supporting suicide awareness and prevention programs. Those of you who know me well know just how much this means to me. I have prayed about it, cried about it, and patiently waited on the right time.

Well, that time is now.

Suicide awareness, education, and prevention are at the core of my heart and I am super excited about this opportunity.

I have also been in discussion with the Crisis Center about facilitating a survivor group for youth. I literally fell into this while looking for a group for Kendall to participate in here in Northwest Arkansas. There are none. Not a single support group specific to suicide loss for children. One question led to another. There a still some details that need to be worked out, but if it all comes together, I will be leading this group and doing the kind of volunteer work my heart aches to do.

With all that said, there is no way I can volunteer for the Crisis Center, work my full time job at the Northwest Arkansas Children's Shelter, do photography on my days off (and on some days I work!!) and still be a fully functioning member of my family. There just aren't enough hours in the day or days in the week for all I want to be doing. I have thought long and hard about this and this is the decision I have come to.

*If you have a session already booked with me, you don't need to worry. I will be making every appt. I have previously made.

*I will not be seeking new clients for any sessions after July.

*This doesn't mean I won't be doing *any* sessions at all. If you REALLY want me to do your photos, call me and we'll talk about it. I take cookies as a form of payment. :)

*I won't be doing any pro work or adding anything else to my pro portfolio for at least the next year.

*I will, however, be doing some hobby work, including chasing my children around with a camera in my face. :)

Please don't freak out and call me crazy for this decision. I have already had to explain myself to a few people who can't quite understand why I would quit doing something that I love so much. Trust me, this wasn't an easy decision. And, I hadn't truly made up my mind until I found myself crying in my husband's arms yesterday because I was so exhausted.

Working night shift full time, doing photography part time, taking care of a home and family, and trying to maintain some sort of a routine definitely isn't for sissies!!! :)

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

I just don't know if I can do this.

When I went back to work yesterday I *thought* I would be returning to the same position I left....an assistant teaching position in the Pre-K room.

I was wrong.

Dead wrong.

I was made Lead Teacher of the 2 year old room.

I am responsible for a number of things, the most time consuming being planning and implementing a monthly lesson plan. I am also over the assistant teachers in my room and it is my job to make sure they do their jobs.

I am scared out of my mind!!

I have SO MANY THINGS that I am responsible for and it *almost* sends me into panic mode!!

I have to write out an activity calendar full of age-appropriate projects and activities to fill up the hours of 7am-6pm, Monday thru Friday. We have two art projects to complete each day of every week and coloring sheets are not allowed. I have to keep track of what each child is accomplishing on their individual anecdotal record. I have to plan lesson plan enhancements for each month to correspond with the monthly theme and activities. I have to plan one special celebration/party every month, complete with handmade gifts for the parents. I have to plan a chapel/faith lesson with an art project for my assigned week every month. I have to create and maintain a folder for any substitute teacher we may have if I am absent. I have to hold parent teacher conferences twice a year and more often if necessary. I have to....I have to.....I have to.....

OH DEAR GOD, HELP ME!!!!! I am so very scared.

All of my life my friends and the family that love me have always said I was a natural born leader. I am one of the best planners they know. I am so organized it makes them sick. That I am assertive, but compassionate. That I am strong, but loving. That I don't take any crap from anyone, at anytime.

Then why the heck am I so scared??

I honestly feel in my heart I can do this, but my "I am Human, and I will Fail" mind is telling me I can't.

I am now responsible for the care and learning of 15 two year olds. And, in between all of this learning, planning, reading, and writing I will need to stop and give hugs. I will need to rub backs when they can't fall asleep. I will have to change diapers for those that aren't quite potty trained. I will be singing songs and doing puzzles. I will teach them how to cut with scissors and how to count in Spanish. (I can't even count in Spanish!!!!) :)

I am humbly asking for your prayers and support as I jump into this head first. I am a bit overwhelmed and as nervous as a turkey on Thanksgiving Day, but my kids will never know that. I will hold my head up and teach them to the best of my abilities. I will try to lead and guide them down the right path. I will do my best to help them become helpers.

And hopefully, they will help Me to become a much better Me.

The Blue Room

this is where I will be tomorrow.

In the Blue Room.

With 17 absolutely fantastic kiddos from 8:30am-5:30pm.

We will have breakfast and then we will do a craft project. After that we will head outside to play basketball, ride tricycles and play hide and seek. Then the fun begins. After we get back inside, I will do one on one interaction with each child working on numbers, letters, and sight words. The other kids will be at one of several stations in the classroom doing various activities together. They will build with Legos. Some of the girls will put on aprons and mix up "pancake batter." Others will work with blocks and cars, building elaborate roadways with bridges and tunnels. Before long, it's lunch time. The wonderful, amazing Lunch Lady will bring us our food and we will all sit down to eat as a group. My kids will serve themselves after washing and drying their hands. They will use their best manners and eat with napkins on their laps. I will smile and enjoy the most exciting conversations imaginable. "Miss Jackie, did you know I have a pet turtle?" "Miss Jackie, I love to dip my grilled cheese in tomato soup!!" "Miss Jackie, you are so nice to us." "Miss Jackie, may I have some more peaches, please?"

After lunch is finished we have circle time. This is when we sing "Little Bunny Foo Foo" and do our exercises. Then, it's nap time. I will clean, sanitize and prepare for the afternoon. When the kids wake up we will work on another art project. This one will involve glue, colors, markers, construction paper cutting, and lots of enthusiasm. My kids are so proud of the things they create. I am proud of them, too. Even when the lines aren't straight or they color an entire daffodil black. I laugh and tell them, "This is such a beautiful flower." Later, we will go outside for the last time on this day. The kids will run, jump, and scream. I will watch over them with a protective eye. When someone falls and scrapes their knee I will hug them and offer a band-aid.

Later, when Mom or Dad picks up each of these precious children, I will watch them go and know I kept them safe for one more day.

I will know I helped them learn. I helped them grow a little more. I allowed them to ask questions. I was there for them when they needed help tying a shoe or remembering the words of the Lord's Prayer.

I don't have the words to tell you how much I love my job. I feel this is right where I am supposed to be at this point in my life.

I am so grateful tonight.

Grateful for my job. Grateful for these little ones and all they teach me.

Grateful for second chances.