Surviving the Journey

I need to be working on writing posts for the "My Story" and "About This Blog" links, but I am too tired to get started on it today. And to be bluntly honest, I have no idea where to start my story. Over the years more than a couple of people have been quoted as saying, "You know, you really can't make this shit up" when discussing my life and it's history. So, I don't really know where to begin.

But, I CAN tell you that yesterday was AMAZING.

We ventured out dressed to brave the freezing temperatures and brutal wind to walk in the Surviving the Journey 5K and Memory Walk. When I say it was cold, Man oh Man, it was COLD. The wind just about caused me to turn back and head right back home to my warm bed, but my kids were with me and that made me press on. So, we gathered with quite a few others to walk for awareness and remember our loved ones. Shortly after we arrived the kids and I decided to fill out notes for the memory board. This was our first walk and I really wanted to experience all of it, so I encouraged the kids to write down a message to Charlie and my Dad. Let me back track for just a minute here....My late husband's father, Charles Sr. drove up from south Arkansas with his granddaughter and her friend to be with us for the walk. He has never been to anything like this and it made me cry to have him here. We met him at the park and after hugs and a few tears we walked together to the registration table. I signed us all in and we got our t-shirts. Charles was the first to write a note to Charlie. Kendall and I wrote ours next and since Kendall was finished before I was, I didn't get a photo of him writing it. :( I actually failed at getting any really super photos because I was trying really hard to "be there" and not just be the "photographer" at the event. I wanted to experience this with my children, not have that camera stuck in my face the entire time. And I finally decided that instead of trying to capture every little detail, I would put the camera down and allow myself to be in the moment for once.

We shared in a few minutes of silence to remember those we have lost and all of the people who have attempted suicide and survived. When I looked up, everyone I saw was crying. I was so happy to not be the only one!! I was really scared I would be the only one who cried so much. It's hard to hold back the tears when you are dealing with such strong emotions. The sponsors for the walk had balloons for us to release. Holley, Kendall, and I all released two balloons, one for my Daddy and one for Charlie. It was so cool to watch as they floated away. Every one of the walkers stood and watched until none of the balloons could be seen anymore. It was awesome!!

It was great. I laughed. I cried. We shared memories. We were quiet.

But, the most important thing happened: We remembered.

Later, Kendall and his grandpa Charles spent a bit of time together here at the house. They talked and played football. We looked at photo albums. We laughed and cried some more. It was a most perfect day. I only wish Charles could have stayed longer!! We miss you already!!

Here are a few of the photos I took yesterday. They certainly aren't my best and I look totally awful. I had my hair back in a ponytail and with the headband on to keep my ears warm I look like I have no hair!! Oh well, it's not about me. It's about them.

The sign from the walk.

Kendall with his Grandpa Charles.

Kendall in the USA leather coat that belonged to his father, Charles Jr. It now belongs to Charles Sr. This is the first time Kendall has had it on and I cried when Charles told Kendall he was getting a "hug from his daddy".

Holley, Kendall, and I with the very last photo taken of my Daddy. It was taken on his birthday, 10 days before he died. It's my very favorite photo of him.

Kendall and Grandpa Charles with the very last photo taken of Charles Jr. and Kendall. It was taken at Kendall's 1st birthday on August 1, 2001. Charlie died on December 4, 2001 and this photo was displayed at his funeral. One copy now sits on Kendall's headboard and another copy is in his school binder.

Charles Sr., Kendall, and I trying our best to stay warm in the freezing temperatures!!

Holley and Shelby at the walk.

Kendall walking hand in hand with his Grandpa Charles. I tell you what, that man amazes me sometimes!! He has a really bad knee and walks with a cane sometimes, but he was determined to finish that walk on his feet and not in a wheelchair. I must have asked him 50 times or more if he was hurting or needed me to get his chair. He held his head up and kept right on going, Kendall holding his hand the entire way. I mostly walked behind watching the two of them together. It warmed my heart and made me cry big ol' tears. My son, who lost his father at age 16 months, was walking for suicide awareness with his Grandpa, who lost his son. One of them was remembering the son he misses so dearly. The other was grieving for the loss of the father he doesn't know how to miss. I was hurting for both of them. My precious son, who is my miracle baby, misses his real daddy so very much and this great man, his Grandpa, is the one person who can fill that void better than anyone else. Yes, my son has a "father" in my husband, Jason. After all, Jason has been in Kendall's life since he was 3 years old, but Jason can't give him what his Grandpa can. Charles Sr. can answer the 5, 392, 419 questions Kendall has about his Dad. Charles and ONLY Charles can do that for my dear boy.

My sweet daughter writing her note to Charlie.

I <3 You.

I miss You.

This note? The one she is hanging on the board? Well, this is when I REALLY lost it. She wrote a note for my Daddy, her namesake. It wasn't the fact that she wrote the note. It wasn't really the fact that she told him she loved him. It was the fact that my amazing, smart daughter put into words the exact thing I think every SINGLE time I think about my daddy AND Charlie. She told my Daddy she wished she could have known him. My Daddy took his life when Holley was a wee little babe, only two months old. My Charlie took his life when Kendall was just learning who his daddy was, only 16 months old. It is so crazy to me that my daughter, my sweet Holley Girl put on paper what I feel for both of my babies.

I wish they could have known them.

I wish Holley could have known my Daddy. Wish they could go hunting together. Go down to the Pit Stop in Arcadia and get a Coke ICEE with a bag of Doritos. I wanted him to teach her how to change the oil in her car. How to change a flat tire. To share all of his mechanical knowledge with her. I wanted him to take her to the lease, eat some nasty Vienna Sausages, drink black coffee and kill a couple of big bucks.

I wish Kendall could have known his Daddy. I wish they could have gone to Silver Dollar City together. I wish Charlie was here to teach Kendall how to pitch a baseball and catch a football. To help him with his homework. To tuck him in bed at night. I wanted them to make pancakes together and then eat every one of them for breakfast.

Our notes took up half of one board.

These are the notes we wrote for our loved ones. Just a few words. Not nearly all we have to say to them, but we wrote what was on our hearts at the time.

I am thrilled that I got to share this day with my children and Charles Sr. I will hold these memories close to my heart for the rest of my life.

Dear Daddy...

I wrote this last year in memory of my Daddy. And, while it brings me to tears every single time I watch it, I really wanted to re-post it this year. I miss my Daddy every day of every year that goes by. This will be my 14th Father's Day without him.

I cherish these pictures with all of my heart, as they are the only ones I have left of him. For those of you that might wonder, that is my beautiful Mama with him in the blog post. In the video, he is shown with his longtime and very dear friend, Pam Austin.

The very last picture on the video is the last one ever taken of Dad. It was taken only ten days before he died.

I believe it captures best what we all loved about Waymon...his smile.


***Read the blog post and then watch the video at the bottom. Be sure to hit pause on my music player so you can hear the music on the video.***


{original post}

This year makes the 13th year I have spent Father's Day without you.

I miss you every single day of every single year that passes by. I never realized how hard it would be without you. I miss you at times when I least expect it. I have very few pictures left of you and not one of you and Holley together. It stinks.

My memories are all I have left when my children ask questions about you. I tell them all the funny, crazy stuff we did together.

I tell Holley about how scared you were to hold her the day after she was born.

She just laughs.

I remember the educational things you taught me over the years.

I remember the silly little things.





Because of you:

I learned to check and change the oil in my car.

I learned how to change a flat tire.

I developed a serious constant craving for Chick-A-Dilly chicken.

Every time I see a jar of Tostitos cheese dip I think of you.



I learned to judge the mechanics that work on my car.

I also learned to never let them take advantage of me.

All during my childhood I was convinced I had been named after a carburetor.

I learned to appreciate a person that can hunt and kill their own food.

I developed a deep love for hunting later, because of you.

I see you when I see blue Dickies coveralls.




Crown Royal tastes the best when I miss you terribly and need a good, stiff drink...Waymon Holley style.

Everywhere I look I see hooded eyes.

I learned that sausage is best smoked on the grill and served with mustard.

I remember sitting with you on the porch at Pam's holding your hand...silently.

I remember going hunting with you and sharing a can of Vienna Sausages. YUK!!

You always bought me an ICEE, every time we went into the Pit Stop.

I think of you every time I think of Pam. Those bonds are unbreakable.

Pennywise the clown still scares the crap out of me.

My college degree? It's for you.

To this day I think of you when I see a Nissan truck.

And a Rottweiler.

And a Cocker Spaniel.

And a Beagle.


Click on my music player to disable the blog music before you play this video. Thx.