I am starting to feel it

Today:

One mile on the treadmill (and only because my shins were KILLING me!!!

Five miles on the recumbent bike.

I'm super tired, but I can't sleep.

There is simply too much going on right now personally and now I am up cleaning like a mad woman.

Can't wait for Thursday when I can chill out at Pam's Poolside Paradise with a nice cold drink!!

Can I get a pretty colorful umbrella in that, please?? :)

Double Time

I did two miles today!!!

GO ME!!

I am very comfortable with this workout and I think I will keep up this pace for now.

I feel SO GOOD!!!! :) :) :)

Baby Steps

I walked into that gym determined to do what I needed to do today.

And, I walked out of there feeling like a new person.

Proud of myself.

Sweating.

Smiling.

I finished a mile on the treadmill.

I haven't done that in over 5 years.

Today I am a happy, happy girl.

Workout #1

totally kicked my butt and left me feeling very discouraged this morning. I didn't expect to be able to walk in there and do an hour on the elliptical, but I was only able to do 10 minutes!!! I started on the treadmill at 2.6 and managed to do 15 minutes. The stupid machine kept beeping at me telling me my heart rate was too high so it would slow down to compensate. So, I moved to the elliptical and after only 3 minutes I thought I was going to die!! I pushed through it and gave up after 10 minutes. I had originally planned to do some circuit training today, too. But, I ended up leaving in tears.

And, to top it all off I have gained two more pounds.

I am trying to not beat myself up over this. I just got out of the hospital last week with a sudden case of asthma and I was in there for 5 days. My body is still healing. I know this is going to be one baby step at a time, but today I feel like crap.

I feel fat. I feel totally out of shape. And, mostly, I feel embarrassed that I allowed myself to get to this point.

I am not going to stop. I will be back at the gym tomorrow....even if it's only for 20 minutes. I am so determined to LOSE THIS WEIGHT!!!!

Day One = Done.

Two Words

can literally change your life.

They can paralyze you.

Or, they can motivate you.

I am going with the last one.

What are those two words?

Morbidly Obese.

Yes, you read that right. I am clinically classified as morbidly obese. Me, the girl who was literally the poster child for anorexia when I was a teenager. The girl who was a size 3 all through high school and a size 6 when I got pregnant with my last baby. Well, I now wear a size 24. I am tired of hiding. I am tired of being embarrassed of my body. Tired of being scared to visit my family for fear of what they will think of my massive size.

But, mostly, I am tired.

I was recently hospitalized with a case of sudden, severe adult onset asthma and while I was seeking in patient treatment, my doctor decided to run a few tests.

Not only am I seriously overweight, I have high blood pressure, significant thyroid issues, swelling in my legs and feet, asthma, fluid around my heart, and I am at a high risk for type 2 diabetes.

It's time for a change and I am ready. I have a total of 128 pounds to lose and I am giving myself an undetermined amount of time to do it in. To me, this isn't just about weight loss, it's about my life. Specifically, the rest of my life. My husband is on board with me and we plan to go join the local gym next week. I already have clearance from my doctor to start this, provided I stay on my asthma meds and watch myself closely.

I am scared, but determined.

I am nervous, but excited.

I am ready.

Let's do this. :)

I didn't want to write this post

But....I have to. It's time.

I am hanging up my camera.

Indefinitely.

And, it's not because I want to. It's because I have to.

I have mentioned on my facebook more than one time that some changes were coming and since then I have been putting off writing this post. Well, I can't wait another day.

I am hanging up my camera so that I can devote more time and energy to the Arkansas Crisis Center. I will be doing some training at the end of this week to prepare myself for the changes ahead. A few weeks ago I received an invitation in the mail from them to join the development advisory committee and I am jumping at the chance. For the last four years I have longed to be in a position to devote hours and days of my time supporting suicide awareness and prevention programs. Those of you who know me well know just how much this means to me. I have prayed about it, cried about it, and patiently waited on the right time.

Well, that time is now.

Suicide awareness, education, and prevention are at the core of my heart and I am super excited about this opportunity.

I have also been in discussion with the Crisis Center about facilitating a survivor group for youth. I literally fell into this while looking for a group for Kendall to participate in here in Northwest Arkansas. There are none. Not a single support group specific to suicide loss for children. One question led to another. There a still some details that need to be worked out, but if it all comes together, I will be leading this group and doing the kind of volunteer work my heart aches to do.

With all that said, there is no way I can volunteer for the Crisis Center, work my full time job at the Northwest Arkansas Children's Shelter, do photography on my days off (and on some days I work!!) and still be a fully functioning member of my family. There just aren't enough hours in the day or days in the week for all I want to be doing. I have thought long and hard about this and this is the decision I have come to.

*If you have a session already booked with me, you don't need to worry. I will be making every appt. I have previously made.

*I will not be seeking new clients for any sessions after July.

*This doesn't mean I won't be doing *any* sessions at all. If you REALLY want me to do your photos, call me and we'll talk about it. I take cookies as a form of payment. :)

*I won't be doing any pro work or adding anything else to my pro portfolio for at least the next year.

*I will, however, be doing some hobby work, including chasing my children around with a camera in my face. :)

Please don't freak out and call me crazy for this decision. I have already had to explain myself to a few people who can't quite understand why I would quit doing something that I love so much. Trust me, this wasn't an easy decision. And, I hadn't truly made up my mind until I found myself crying in my husband's arms yesterday because I was so exhausted.

Working night shift full time, doing photography part time, taking care of a home and family, and trying to maintain some sort of a routine definitely isn't for sissies!!! :)

The post in which I write about employment, report cards, and miracle drugs

The Children's Shelter called and offered me a job today.

I almost jumped off the couch when I realized why they were calling.

You see, I applied for this job two months ago.

Yes, it is a night shift position, 11:30-7:30, Tuesday through Saturday. Most of their childcare workers aren't needed during the day, as the children are in school. And, it's $3.00 more per hour than I make now. But, I am not leaving my current job because of the money. That is only one of the many pros I can list for this position. I can stay there after I finish my degree and do the one thing I have longed to do for so many, many years. Be a role model and positive influence in the lives of hurting, broken children.

I am so excited I can't sit still. I have to go do my background checks tomorrow evening after I get off work from the preschool.

Some of you may be asking, "Why on earth are you changing jobs AGAIN?"

So, to you, I say this:

I have wanted to apply at this shelter for over two years now. It is only with the encouragement of my best friend that I finally caved, sucked it up, and applied. Then, I waited. That wait has paid off, BIG TIME. For years I have wanted to work with hurting women and children in some capacity. That is where my heart is, with victims of violence and abuse. They are my passion and I want to have a positive impact on their broken lives. I took the position at the preschool because I couldn't not have a job any longer. We needed a paycheck. I have been waiting on the phone call from them for two months. Waiting. Pacing. Crying. Praying. Finally, it came today. I know without a doubt this is an answer to prayer.

However, that is not to say I won't miss my kids at the preschool. I love them and I feel a sense of commitment to them. I have wrestled with the "what ifs" for days on end. What if the shelter calls me? Will I be able to leave my kids? What will happen when they have yet another teacher walk out on them? How do I explain my decision to my boss? How do I explain this decision to the BIG lead teacher (over all the other leads) when she does nothing but praise me and my work with these kiddos? She told me the other day that she was so happy I was part of that school, that she knew I was different.

A keeper, she said.

You have no idea how hard this decision has been.

But honestly, my decision was made before the phone ever rang today.

God knew it was going to happen before we ever did and I am leaving it to him to work out all the details. To go before me and prepare hearts and minds for what I have to say.

In other family news.....Kendall got straight A's on his report card!!!!!!!

I am so happy I can't stop smiling. He has worked his tail off for those grades. I plan to take him out for crab legs soon. He loves crab legs. :)

And, in other "Kendall News".....we have finally, after many heartbreaking years filled with tears, fights, and ultimatums figured out what is going on inside his pretty little head.

Kendall has ADHD. Severely.

I am not going to post all the details about how we came to believe this about him, but trust me when I say it's been a nightmare.

First, we know what his pediatrician said. If he is truly ADHD and he is put on the right medicine, we will know that very day whether or not this his real diagnosis. Well, she nailed it. He has been on Risperdal for a "Mood Disorder, non specific" for about a month now. He takes only .5mg at bedtime, a tiny dose meant to stabilize his intense mood swings. It helped, but he was still having some issues with his temper and focusing. So, she started him on Concerta for ADHD. The very first day his teacher said he was like a different kid. She had to keep looking up to make sure he was still in the classroom. I was thrilled.

It has only gotten better since then. He says he feels better, he is getting his friends back and he can finally do a math test without having a total meltdown. In the last week he has aced his reading test, read out loud in class for the first time in months, and brought home a straight A report card. I am so happy I feel like crying!!! He feels so much better about himself.

The issue with putting kids on medicine?? Keep your comments to yourself. He is my son and I will make that decision. He was at a point where it was doing more harm than good to keep him OFF the medicine.

All in all, it's been a very good week for our little family.

Oh, and a shout out to my bestie, Debra!! She landed herself a "Big Girl" job with all the trimmings working for a wonderful organization in NW Arkansas. She went out and bought herself a new car, too. I am so very proud of her and FOR HER. So, Miss Debra, here is your pat on the back, girlfriend. I love ya. As soon as we get the chance, we are headed to Jose's for a couple of Big Ol' Strawberry Margaritas!!! :)

jackie

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

I just don't know if I can do this.

When I went back to work yesterday I *thought* I would be returning to the same position I left....an assistant teaching position in the Pre-K room.

I was wrong.

Dead wrong.

I was made Lead Teacher of the 2 year old room.

I am responsible for a number of things, the most time consuming being planning and implementing a monthly lesson plan. I am also over the assistant teachers in my room and it is my job to make sure they do their jobs.

I am scared out of my mind!!

I have SO MANY THINGS that I am responsible for and it *almost* sends me into panic mode!!

I have to write out an activity calendar full of age-appropriate projects and activities to fill up the hours of 7am-6pm, Monday thru Friday. We have two art projects to complete each day of every week and coloring sheets are not allowed. I have to keep track of what each child is accomplishing on their individual anecdotal record. I have to plan lesson plan enhancements for each month to correspond with the monthly theme and activities. I have to plan one special celebration/party every month, complete with handmade gifts for the parents. I have to plan a chapel/faith lesson with an art project for my assigned week every month. I have to create and maintain a folder for any substitute teacher we may have if I am absent. I have to hold parent teacher conferences twice a year and more often if necessary. I have to....I have to.....I have to.....

OH DEAR GOD, HELP ME!!!!! I am so very scared.

All of my life my friends and the family that love me have always said I was a natural born leader. I am one of the best planners they know. I am so organized it makes them sick. That I am assertive, but compassionate. That I am strong, but loving. That I don't take any crap from anyone, at anytime.

Then why the heck am I so scared??

I honestly feel in my heart I can do this, but my "I am Human, and I will Fail" mind is telling me I can't.

I am now responsible for the care and learning of 15 two year olds. And, in between all of this learning, planning, reading, and writing I will need to stop and give hugs. I will need to rub backs when they can't fall asleep. I will have to change diapers for those that aren't quite potty trained. I will be singing songs and doing puzzles. I will teach them how to cut with scissors and how to count in Spanish. (I can't even count in Spanish!!!!) :)

I am humbly asking for your prayers and support as I jump into this head first. I am a bit overwhelmed and as nervous as a turkey on Thanksgiving Day, but my kids will never know that. I will hold my head up and teach them to the best of my abilities. I will try to lead and guide them down the right path. I will do my best to help them become helpers.

And hopefully, they will help Me to become a much better Me.

Different, yet the same.

I am taking a Family Science class this semester and I am required to take counseling sessions for a grade. In my session today my therapist shared a few things with me.

The first thing she shared was that she sees traits in me that I only have because of the experiences I have had in my life. She said I have unique insight and compassion because of the things God has brought me to and through. She feels that I am going to make a fantastic counselor one day. Well, I was both shocked and flattered that she felt this way. She also said she feels encouraged by my life story and hearing me talk about how far God has brought me. It was so nice to hear her say that I have done a wonderful job in processing my feelings about what God is doing in my life. I told her that I felt inadequate and uncertain about what I am called to do. I told her I thought Satan was not out necessarily to keep me from God, but to keep me from helping other hurting people. She told me to hang on, to be confident that God began a good work in me and that He will carry it on to completion. To just KEEP WALKING IN HIM, one step at a time. Just like I had to depend on God when I was dealing with those deep, dark places in my life, I have to depend on Him to light each step when times are good, too. God will not leave me and He will not lead me astray, He will guide me to the exact place He intends for me to be.

I was encouraged, and this evening I feel very strongly about the other thing we talked about...

My therapist and I also talked extensively about my plans to have another tattoo done on my foot. Now, I won't share all the details of this tattoo....you have to wait for the pictures. But, I will tell you it has a butterfly in the design. She asked me if I knew that a caterpillar and a butterfly have the same DNA. (Huh? What? I did not know that!!) Yes, it seems that it is true. Their DNA is the same....exactly. The caterpillar goes through metamorphosis and when this happens, certain genetic codes are "turned on" to allow growth and change to take place. Before the caterpillar becomes a butterfly, it's DNA becomes a kind of DNA soup. It loses it's structure entirely and has to hang on believing that something good can come of the mess it is in. That poor caterpillar just sits there waiting on something beautiful to happen. After metamorphosis is complete and the butterfly is fully formed, it still has the same DNA as when it began life. The only difference is that the butterfly is now "grown up" into a beautiful creature.

Made me think about how God has grown me over the years. Made me think about all the things I have "survived" over the years. And...it made me think about how that little butterfly on my foot will be a permanent stamp of the changes I have gone through.

That butterfly on my foot is the symbol of my testimony. My heart. My life story.