I am still here.

I have just been a really busy girl.

Here is a list of things that have been going on "behind the scenes" that you may or may not be already aware of.

1. I recently severed ties with everyone from my father's side of the family. I have spent too many years hurting and heartbroken. I will not be a doormat, "the black sheep", or "THAT Jackie" anymore. I have never been part of their world and I never will be. It took me 15 years to realize that truth.

2. Before severing ties with everyone from my father's side of the family, I also severed ties with many people on my mother's side of the family. I remain in touch with my Grandma, my Aunt Lynn, and my Aunt Kathy. That is all. I will not explain the reasons why I came to this decision, but it was one that needed to happen years ago. I just finally got the courage to stand up for myself one last time. Those of you who are close to me already know the history with this side of the family, so I know in my heart you understand my reasons why.

3. I am still working at the Children's Shelter and while it is busy and crazy some days, I can't imagine doing anything else in the world. Yes, there are a few personality differences here and there, but I LOVE my job and consider it the one of the best opportunities that has ever happened to me.

4. Holley is growing up faster than I ever thought possible. She will be 16 in November. She will be a licensed driver and that fact scares me to death. She is busy with school, life, friends, and being a typical teenager these days.

5. Danielle is also growing like a weed. We had a small party here at our home for her 12th birthday this past month. She recently got braces and while I am sure they are uncomfortable and hurt at times, I can already see a difference in her self esteem. She is smiling and talking more than she has in the 8 years she has been in my life. I love that!!

6. Kendall just celebrated his 11th birthday in August. He is now well over 5' tall and eats us out of house and home. He currently wears a size 9 1/2 men's shoe. WOW!! He is staying busy playing with friends, school, and trying to navigate that thing called puberty.

7. Jason and I are doing better than ever. We only see each other at certain times during the day and night due to our different work schedules, but we are growing closer and stronger each day. I love him with all of my heart and appreciate the support he has given me while I struggled with the hard decisions concerning my family.

8. I am doing some training with the Crisis Center and plan to travel to Boston this December to complete even more training. I will be attending a two day class to prepare me for facilitating a support group for suicide survivors. This group will be specific to youth, ages 5-17, who have lost a loved one or friend to suicide. I am nervous and excited, but SO READY for this journey to begin. I am doing this for my son and all the other children out there who feel they have no one they can talk to that TRULY understand how they feel.

9. On top of our jobs, kids, life, and all the busyness these things bring day to day, Jason and I have had one more blow to our life. On the morning of September 25th, I had a miscarriage. I had no idea I was even pregnant. We were told three years ago that our chances of conceiving naturally where <1%. We have been trying to have a baby together for 7 years now. So....there I was, in the ER, laying on the a very uncomfortable hospital stretcher, when they told me. Needless to say, I was in shock. I couldn't call Jason at work for various reasons, I couldn't reach my mother-in-law, and I was all alone. I got the news, was told to return in two days for another ultrasound and then, I took a cab home. The doctor had given me morphine for pain which made it unsafe for me to drive. I came home, went to bed, cried, and tried to make it through the next few hours.

The next few days.

The next week.

10. Yes, we are very sad and somewhat depressed by this loss, but we remain hopeful. Jason more so at this point than I am. At least we know now that I CAN get pregnant. So, it is with a humble heart, and not one seeking "I'm so sorry", or sympathy, or attention, that I ask you to pray for us.

For healing, for peace, for comfort.

And, also, for a viable pregnancy.

With love....

I love these kids. :)

So, yesterday I came home to a nasty tornado warning and sirens going off. It was really, really intense here for awhile. Jason was driving home in it. He had picked up Danielle and I knew judging by what time it was that he was getting very close to home....and the impending storm. I prayed first, then I told Kendall to get in the bathtub. I turned on the news and that is when I realized JUST how close the storm was. A storm spotter had identified a funnel cloud on the ground and it was headed right for us. I freaked out and called my son's grandfather. I was in a full blown state of panic by that time and knowing that my husband was driving in it almost sent me over the edge. Charles calmed me down a bit. I also called my best friend and told her the sirens were going off and she needed to take cover now. *She lives in a second story apartment with her two boys.* She decided it was best to try and make the drive over here before the storm hit us. So, there I was....outside....pacing....praying....and watching the sky. Debra got here first and Jason was right behind her, with Danielle. I got all the kids in the bathroom and we all started watching the news. It was then that we realized it was going to miss us by about 5 miles or so. It traveled right behind the casino and then turned and headed north of us. The casino is only about a two minute drive from our house and to be blunt, I was scared out of my mind. I had seen the severe damage the last tornado did to Arkansas' little town of Cincinnati in December.

We watched and waited.

It missed us and all we got was a bit of hail, some heavy rain and high winds.

I calmed down and later, my friend and her kids decided to go back to their own home.

A few hours after the storm I looked outside and the sky was a gorgeous red and yellow color. I told the kids to go outside to look and they were amazed at how awesome the colors looked. Before we came back in I was talking to them about if the sirens were to go off in the middle of the night, they needed to go straight to the bathroom and they weren't to try and grab anything. Just go to their safe place. Kendall looked at me and said, "Mom, what about my hermit crabs?"

Danielle, my sweet, shy, quiet daughter *she lets everyone else do all the talking around here!!* looked at him like he was crazy and said....

"Kendall, nobody cares about your stupid hermit crabs!!!"

I thought I was going to wet my pants I was laughing so hard.

If you know just how shy my step-daughter is, you obviously know this is totally out of character for her to say something like this.

I love these kids. They make me smile.