I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

I just don't know if I can do this.

When I went back to work yesterday I *thought* I would be returning to the same position I left....an assistant teaching position in the Pre-K room.

I was wrong.

Dead wrong.

I was made Lead Teacher of the 2 year old room.

I am responsible for a number of things, the most time consuming being planning and implementing a monthly lesson plan. I am also over the assistant teachers in my room and it is my job to make sure they do their jobs.

I am scared out of my mind!!

I have SO MANY THINGS that I am responsible for and it *almost* sends me into panic mode!!

I have to write out an activity calendar full of age-appropriate projects and activities to fill up the hours of 7am-6pm, Monday thru Friday. We have two art projects to complete each day of every week and coloring sheets are not allowed. I have to keep track of what each child is accomplishing on their individual anecdotal record. I have to plan lesson plan enhancements for each month to correspond with the monthly theme and activities. I have to plan one special celebration/party every month, complete with handmade gifts for the parents. I have to plan a chapel/faith lesson with an art project for my assigned week every month. I have to create and maintain a folder for any substitute teacher we may have if I am absent. I have to hold parent teacher conferences twice a year and more often if necessary. I have to....I have to.....I have to.....

OH DEAR GOD, HELP ME!!!!! I am so very scared.

All of my life my friends and the family that love me have always said I was a natural born leader. I am one of the best planners they know. I am so organized it makes them sick. That I am assertive, but compassionate. That I am strong, but loving. That I don't take any crap from anyone, at anytime.

Then why the heck am I so scared??

I honestly feel in my heart I can do this, but my "I am Human, and I will Fail" mind is telling me I can't.

I am now responsible for the care and learning of 15 two year olds. And, in between all of this learning, planning, reading, and writing I will need to stop and give hugs. I will need to rub backs when they can't fall asleep. I will have to change diapers for those that aren't quite potty trained. I will be singing songs and doing puzzles. I will teach them how to cut with scissors and how to count in Spanish. (I can't even count in Spanish!!!!) :)

I am humbly asking for your prayers and support as I jump into this head first. I am a bit overwhelmed and as nervous as a turkey on Thanksgiving Day, but my kids will never know that. I will hold my head up and teach them to the best of my abilities. I will try to lead and guide them down the right path. I will do my best to help them become helpers.

And hopefully, they will help Me to become a much better Me.

The Blue Room

this is where I will be tomorrow.

In the Blue Room.

With 17 absolutely fantastic kiddos from 8:30am-5:30pm.

We will have breakfast and then we will do a craft project. After that we will head outside to play basketball, ride tricycles and play hide and seek. Then the fun begins. After we get back inside, I will do one on one interaction with each child working on numbers, letters, and sight words. The other kids will be at one of several stations in the classroom doing various activities together. They will build with Legos. Some of the girls will put on aprons and mix up "pancake batter." Others will work with blocks and cars, building elaborate roadways with bridges and tunnels. Before long, it's lunch time. The wonderful, amazing Lunch Lady will bring us our food and we will all sit down to eat as a group. My kids will serve themselves after washing and drying their hands. They will use their best manners and eat with napkins on their laps. I will smile and enjoy the most exciting conversations imaginable. "Miss Jackie, did you know I have a pet turtle?" "Miss Jackie, I love to dip my grilled cheese in tomato soup!!" "Miss Jackie, you are so nice to us." "Miss Jackie, may I have some more peaches, please?"

After lunch is finished we have circle time. This is when we sing "Little Bunny Foo Foo" and do our exercises. Then, it's nap time. I will clean, sanitize and prepare for the afternoon. When the kids wake up we will work on another art project. This one will involve glue, colors, markers, construction paper cutting, and lots of enthusiasm. My kids are so proud of the things they create. I am proud of them, too. Even when the lines aren't straight or they color an entire daffodil black. I laugh and tell them, "This is such a beautiful flower." Later, we will go outside for the last time on this day. The kids will run, jump, and scream. I will watch over them with a protective eye. When someone falls and scrapes their knee I will hug them and offer a band-aid.

Later, when Mom or Dad picks up each of these precious children, I will watch them go and know I kept them safe for one more day.

I will know I helped them learn. I helped them grow a little more. I allowed them to ask questions. I was there for them when they needed help tying a shoe or remembering the words of the Lord's Prayer.

I don't have the words to tell you how much I love my job. I feel this is right where I am supposed to be at this point in my life.

I am so grateful tonight.

Grateful for my job. Grateful for these little ones and all they teach me.

Grateful for second chances.

Different, yet the same.

I am taking a Family Science class this semester and I am required to take counseling sessions for a grade. In my session today my therapist shared a few things with me.

The first thing she shared was that she sees traits in me that I only have because of the experiences I have had in my life. She said I have unique insight and compassion because of the things God has brought me to and through. She feels that I am going to make a fantastic counselor one day. Well, I was both shocked and flattered that she felt this way. She also said she feels encouraged by my life story and hearing me talk about how far God has brought me. It was so nice to hear her say that I have done a wonderful job in processing my feelings about what God is doing in my life. I told her that I felt inadequate and uncertain about what I am called to do. I told her I thought Satan was not out necessarily to keep me from God, but to keep me from helping other hurting people. She told me to hang on, to be confident that God began a good work in me and that He will carry it on to completion. To just KEEP WALKING IN HIM, one step at a time. Just like I had to depend on God when I was dealing with those deep, dark places in my life, I have to depend on Him to light each step when times are good, too. God will not leave me and He will not lead me astray, He will guide me to the exact place He intends for me to be.

I was encouraged, and this evening I feel very strongly about the other thing we talked about...

My therapist and I also talked extensively about my plans to have another tattoo done on my foot. Now, I won't share all the details of this tattoo....you have to wait for the pictures. But, I will tell you it has a butterfly in the design. She asked me if I knew that a caterpillar and a butterfly have the same DNA. (Huh? What? I did not know that!!) Yes, it seems that it is true. Their DNA is the same....exactly. The caterpillar goes through metamorphosis and when this happens, certain genetic codes are "turned on" to allow growth and change to take place. Before the caterpillar becomes a butterfly, it's DNA becomes a kind of DNA soup. It loses it's structure entirely and has to hang on believing that something good can come of the mess it is in. That poor caterpillar just sits there waiting on something beautiful to happen. After metamorphosis is complete and the butterfly is fully formed, it still has the same DNA as when it began life. The only difference is that the butterfly is now "grown up" into a beautiful creature.

Made me think about how God has grown me over the years. Made me think about all the things I have "survived" over the years. And...it made me think about how that little butterfly on my foot will be a permanent stamp of the changes I have gone through.

That butterfly on my foot is the symbol of my testimony. My heart. My life story.