I am still here.

I have just been a really busy girl.

Here is a list of things that have been going on "behind the scenes" that you may or may not be already aware of.

1. I recently severed ties with everyone from my father's side of the family. I have spent too many years hurting and heartbroken. I will not be a doormat, "the black sheep", or "THAT Jackie" anymore. I have never been part of their world and I never will be. It took me 15 years to realize that truth.

2. Before severing ties with everyone from my father's side of the family, I also severed ties with many people on my mother's side of the family. I remain in touch with my Grandma, my Aunt Lynn, and my Aunt Kathy. That is all. I will not explain the reasons why I came to this decision, but it was one that needed to happen years ago. I just finally got the courage to stand up for myself one last time. Those of you who are close to me already know the history with this side of the family, so I know in my heart you understand my reasons why.

3. I am still working at the Children's Shelter and while it is busy and crazy some days, I can't imagine doing anything else in the world. Yes, there are a few personality differences here and there, but I LOVE my job and consider it the one of the best opportunities that has ever happened to me.

4. Holley is growing up faster than I ever thought possible. She will be 16 in November. She will be a licensed driver and that fact scares me to death. She is busy with school, life, friends, and being a typical teenager these days.

5. Danielle is also growing like a weed. We had a small party here at our home for her 12th birthday this past month. She recently got braces and while I am sure they are uncomfortable and hurt at times, I can already see a difference in her self esteem. She is smiling and talking more than she has in the 8 years she has been in my life. I love that!!

6. Kendall just celebrated his 11th birthday in August. He is now well over 5' tall and eats us out of house and home. He currently wears a size 9 1/2 men's shoe. WOW!! He is staying busy playing with friends, school, and trying to navigate that thing called puberty.

7. Jason and I are doing better than ever. We only see each other at certain times during the day and night due to our different work schedules, but we are growing closer and stronger each day. I love him with all of my heart and appreciate the support he has given me while I struggled with the hard decisions concerning my family.

8. I am doing some training with the Crisis Center and plan to travel to Boston this December to complete even more training. I will be attending a two day class to prepare me for facilitating a support group for suicide survivors. This group will be specific to youth, ages 5-17, who have lost a loved one or friend to suicide. I am nervous and excited, but SO READY for this journey to begin. I am doing this for my son and all the other children out there who feel they have no one they can talk to that TRULY understand how they feel.

9. On top of our jobs, kids, life, and all the busyness these things bring day to day, Jason and I have had one more blow to our life. On the morning of September 25th, I had a miscarriage. I had no idea I was even pregnant. We were told three years ago that our chances of conceiving naturally where <1%. We have been trying to have a baby together for 7 years now. So....there I was, in the ER, laying on the a very uncomfortable hospital stretcher, when they told me. Needless to say, I was in shock. I couldn't call Jason at work for various reasons, I couldn't reach my mother-in-law, and I was all alone. I got the news, was told to return in two days for another ultrasound and then, I took a cab home. The doctor had given me morphine for pain which made it unsafe for me to drive. I came home, went to bed, cried, and tried to make it through the next few hours.

The next few days.

The next week.

10. Yes, we are very sad and somewhat depressed by this loss, but we remain hopeful. Jason more so at this point than I am. At least we know now that I CAN get pregnant. So, it is with a humble heart, and not one seeking "I'm so sorry", or sympathy, or attention, that I ask you to pray for us.

For healing, for peace, for comfort.

And, also, for a viable pregnancy.

With love....

The post in which I write about employment, report cards, and miracle drugs

The Children's Shelter called and offered me a job today.

I almost jumped off the couch when I realized why they were calling.

You see, I applied for this job two months ago.

Yes, it is a night shift position, 11:30-7:30, Tuesday through Saturday. Most of their childcare workers aren't needed during the day, as the children are in school. And, it's $3.00 more per hour than I make now. But, I am not leaving my current job because of the money. That is only one of the many pros I can list for this position. I can stay there after I finish my degree and do the one thing I have longed to do for so many, many years. Be a role model and positive influence in the lives of hurting, broken children.

I am so excited I can't sit still. I have to go do my background checks tomorrow evening after I get off work from the preschool.

Some of you may be asking, "Why on earth are you changing jobs AGAIN?"

So, to you, I say this:

I have wanted to apply at this shelter for over two years now. It is only with the encouragement of my best friend that I finally caved, sucked it up, and applied. Then, I waited. That wait has paid off, BIG TIME. For years I have wanted to work with hurting women and children in some capacity. That is where my heart is, with victims of violence and abuse. They are my passion and I want to have a positive impact on their broken lives. I took the position at the preschool because I couldn't not have a job any longer. We needed a paycheck. I have been waiting on the phone call from them for two months. Waiting. Pacing. Crying. Praying. Finally, it came today. I know without a doubt this is an answer to prayer.

However, that is not to say I won't miss my kids at the preschool. I love them and I feel a sense of commitment to them. I have wrestled with the "what ifs" for days on end. What if the shelter calls me? Will I be able to leave my kids? What will happen when they have yet another teacher walk out on them? How do I explain my decision to my boss? How do I explain this decision to the BIG lead teacher (over all the other leads) when she does nothing but praise me and my work with these kiddos? She told me the other day that she was so happy I was part of that school, that she knew I was different.

A keeper, she said.

You have no idea how hard this decision has been.

But honestly, my decision was made before the phone ever rang today.

God knew it was going to happen before we ever did and I am leaving it to him to work out all the details. To go before me and prepare hearts and minds for what I have to say.

In other family news.....Kendall got straight A's on his report card!!!!!!!

I am so happy I can't stop smiling. He has worked his tail off for those grades. I plan to take him out for crab legs soon. He loves crab legs. :)

And, in other "Kendall News".....we have finally, after many heartbreaking years filled with tears, fights, and ultimatums figured out what is going on inside his pretty little head.

Kendall has ADHD. Severely.

I am not going to post all the details about how we came to believe this about him, but trust me when I say it's been a nightmare.

First, we know what his pediatrician said. If he is truly ADHD and he is put on the right medicine, we will know that very day whether or not this his real diagnosis. Well, she nailed it. He has been on Risperdal for a "Mood Disorder, non specific" for about a month now. He takes only .5mg at bedtime, a tiny dose meant to stabilize his intense mood swings. It helped, but he was still having some issues with his temper and focusing. So, she started him on Concerta for ADHD. The very first day his teacher said he was like a different kid. She had to keep looking up to make sure he was still in the classroom. I was thrilled.

It has only gotten better since then. He says he feels better, he is getting his friends back and he can finally do a math test without having a total meltdown. In the last week he has aced his reading test, read out loud in class for the first time in months, and brought home a straight A report card. I am so happy I feel like crying!!! He feels so much better about himself.

The issue with putting kids on medicine?? Keep your comments to yourself. He is my son and I will make that decision. He was at a point where it was doing more harm than good to keep him OFF the medicine.

All in all, it's been a very good week for our little family.

Oh, and a shout out to my bestie, Debra!! She landed herself a "Big Girl" job with all the trimmings working for a wonderful organization in NW Arkansas. She went out and bought herself a new car, too. I am so very proud of her and FOR HER. So, Miss Debra, here is your pat on the back, girlfriend. I love ya. As soon as we get the chance, we are headed to Jose's for a couple of Big Ol' Strawberry Margaritas!!! :)

jackie

I Love My Family.

We have plans to have Jason's parents over for dinner this weekend and I can't wait!! I haven't seen my niece and nephew in a few weeks and I am missing them terribly! They have a very special place in my heart. I have no brothers or sisters, and while I loved being an only child growing up, now that both my mother and father have passed away I wish I did. Being an only child also means that I have no natural nieces and nephews. My husband has one sister and she has two of the sweetest kids, ever. They currently live with Jason's parents and probably will be for quite a few years, at least until their mom can get back on her feet. But, in the meantime, I see them quite often and I love them as much as I love my own children. They are so much fun to hang out with!!!Oh, and I LOVE my mother and father in law, too....very, very much. My mother-in-law is more than that to me...she is my Mom. :)

On to the fun stuff....

My sweet husband plans to grill burgers Saturday after he gets off from work. We are having my favorite hamburgers, hot dogs, chips, baked beans and all the yummy stuff to go with!! You know, pickles, fresh tomatoes, onions, dip, etc etc. For dessert: Lemonade icebox pie and chocolate cream cheese pie!!! YUM!!!

I thought I would share my recipes with you, so here goes:

Jack Daniel's BBQ Burgers

2 pounds very lean ground beef
salt to taste
pepper to taste
garlic powder to taste
1 Tbsp. minced onion
1/2 cup Jack Daniel's Original No. 7 Recipe barbecue sauce

Mixed all of the above in a large bowl, form patties, and allow to rest for about 20 minutes.
{I leave mine on a cookie sheet covered under loose foil}

Grill until done on charcoal grill. Use flavored wood chips to achieve the very best flavor.
{Jason uses this, it's very cheap and burns long and hot}


My Mama's Baked Beans

2 (15 ounce) cans baked beans with pork

1/2 cup packed brown sugar

1/2 onion, chopped

1/2 cup ketchup

1 Tbsp. mustard

1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce

salt and pepper to taste

2 slices bacon

*Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

*In a greased 9x9 inch baking dish, combine the pork and beans, brown sugar, onion, ketchup, mustard, Worcestershire sauce and season with salt and pepper to taste. Top with the bacon slices.

*Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour until sauce is thick and bacon is done.


Lemonade Icebox Pie

1 (6 ounce) can of frozen lemonade, thawed
1 (8 ounce) container of Cool Whip, thawed
1 (14 ounce) can of Eagle Brand, sweetened condensed milk
1 (9 inch) prepared graham cracker crust

*In a large bowl, mix the lemonade and sweetened condensed milk. MIX WELL!!!

*Fold in the Cool Whip.

*Pour into the crust and place in the freezer until set firm. {I leave mine in overnight}

*Allow to thaw about 10-15 minutes before slicing. YUMMY, cool, and refreshing!


Chocolate Cream Cheese Pie

4 ounces cream cheese, softened
2 Tbsp. white sugar
1 Tbsp. milk
1 (8 ounce) container Cool Whip, thawed
2 (3.9 ounce) packages Jello brand chocolate pudding
2 cups milk
1 (9 inch) prepared Oreo cookie crust

*In a large bowl, mix cream cheese, sugar and tablespoon of milk. Beat until smooth and creamy.

*Fold in 1/2 of the Cool Whip. Spread on the bottom of the crust.

* In another large bowl, combine the chocolate pudding with the 2 cups of milk. Beat with a wire whisk until mixed well. (It will be very thick)

*Spread over cream cheese layer.

*Refrigerate until set firm.

*Before serving, top with the remaining Cool Whip.

***Sit down with your kids to lick the spoons and bowls together!!!!*** FUN!


I hope you enjoy these recipes. They are some of my family's favorites for summertime. We are just getting an early start this year!!! (: