Fighting.

I feel like I've spent my entire life fighting.

Fighting with people.

Fighting my emotions.

Fighting to take control of things that are completely out of my control.

Fighting for what is right.

Fighting against what I believe is wrong.

Well, guess what? I am tired. Worn the hell out. Emotionally, physically, spiritually.

My husband has a traumatic brain injury. He may never work another day in his life. He can't drive or be left alone. He feels worthless and helpless to stop all of this.

I feel sorry for him.

My 12 year old son spent June, July, August, and September in a psychiatric residential treatment facility. He came home early October. When he was admitted his diagnosis was mood disorder nos and adhd. When he discharged his diagnosis was Asperger's Syndrome and sensory processing disorder.

Big difference, huh? He has spent the last seven years of his life misdiagnosed. I had to quit my job.

He is now receiving mental health therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, and speech therapy. He is now homeschooled full time by me. He needs access to a variety of sensory manipulatives and exercises to make it through the day. He uses a weighted blanket when stressed. He has discovered a deep, soul inspiring love of music and that music keeps him grounded emotionally.

I have uncovered a protective, powerful, motherly love that has caused me to advocate for my son and his needs with great passion.

As a family, we are struggling financially. So much so that I feel all of the above has almost ruined us.

This is the first real, raw post I have written in forever. It feels good to write again. Maybe it will help keep me sane and help me avoid spiraling into another dark depression. So, if you promise not to judge me...I promise to be totally honest about this new season of our lives.

The Season of Fighting.

wow.

Seriously? I haven't blogged since October!?!? It's been so long I even forgot my password for Blogger. That's sad. I promise to post an update tomorrow...and a few new recipes I've recently tried. Have a good night!!

I am still here.

I have just been a really busy girl.

Here is a list of things that have been going on "behind the scenes" that you may or may not be already aware of.

1. I recently severed ties with everyone from my father's side of the family. I have spent too many years hurting and heartbroken. I will not be a doormat, "the black sheep", or "THAT Jackie" anymore. I have never been part of their world and I never will be. It took me 15 years to realize that truth.

2. Before severing ties with everyone from my father's side of the family, I also severed ties with many people on my mother's side of the family. I remain in touch with my Grandma, my Aunt Lynn, and my Aunt Kathy. That is all. I will not explain the reasons why I came to this decision, but it was one that needed to happen years ago. I just finally got the courage to stand up for myself one last time. Those of you who are close to me already know the history with this side of the family, so I know in my heart you understand my reasons why.

3. I am still working at the Children's Shelter and while it is busy and crazy some days, I can't imagine doing anything else in the world. Yes, there are a few personality differences here and there, but I LOVE my job and consider it the one of the best opportunities that has ever happened to me.

4. Holley is growing up faster than I ever thought possible. She will be 16 in November. She will be a licensed driver and that fact scares me to death. She is busy with school, life, friends, and being a typical teenager these days.

5. Danielle is also growing like a weed. We had a small party here at our home for her 12th birthday this past month. She recently got braces and while I am sure they are uncomfortable and hurt at times, I can already see a difference in her self esteem. She is smiling and talking more than she has in the 8 years she has been in my life. I love that!!

6. Kendall just celebrated his 11th birthday in August. He is now well over 5' tall and eats us out of house and home. He currently wears a size 9 1/2 men's shoe. WOW!! He is staying busy playing with friends, school, and trying to navigate that thing called puberty.

7. Jason and I are doing better than ever. We only see each other at certain times during the day and night due to our different work schedules, but we are growing closer and stronger each day. I love him with all of my heart and appreciate the support he has given me while I struggled with the hard decisions concerning my family.

8. I am doing some training with the Crisis Center and plan to travel to Boston this December to complete even more training. I will be attending a two day class to prepare me for facilitating a support group for suicide survivors. This group will be specific to youth, ages 5-17, who have lost a loved one or friend to suicide. I am nervous and excited, but SO READY for this journey to begin. I am doing this for my son and all the other children out there who feel they have no one they can talk to that TRULY understand how they feel.

9. On top of our jobs, kids, life, and all the busyness these things bring day to day, Jason and I have had one more blow to our life. On the morning of September 25th, I had a miscarriage. I had no idea I was even pregnant. We were told three years ago that our chances of conceiving naturally where <1%. We have been trying to have a baby together for 7 years now. So....there I was, in the ER, laying on the a very uncomfortable hospital stretcher, when they told me. Needless to say, I was in shock. I couldn't call Jason at work for various reasons, I couldn't reach my mother-in-law, and I was all alone. I got the news, was told to return in two days for another ultrasound and then, I took a cab home. The doctor had given me morphine for pain which made it unsafe for me to drive. I came home, went to bed, cried, and tried to make it through the next few hours.

The next few days.

The next week.

10. Yes, we are very sad and somewhat depressed by this loss, but we remain hopeful. Jason more so at this point than I am. At least we know now that I CAN get pregnant. So, it is with a humble heart, and not one seeking "I'm so sorry", or sympathy, or attention, that I ask you to pray for us.

For healing, for peace, for comfort.

And, also, for a viable pregnancy.

With love....

I am starting to feel it

Today:

One mile on the treadmill (and only because my shins were KILLING me!!!

Five miles on the recumbent bike.

I'm super tired, but I can't sleep.

There is simply too much going on right now personally and now I am up cleaning like a mad woman.

Can't wait for Thursday when I can chill out at Pam's Poolside Paradise with a nice cold drink!!

Can I get a pretty colorful umbrella in that, please?? :)

Double Time

I did two miles today!!!

GO ME!!

I am very comfortable with this workout and I think I will keep up this pace for now.

I feel SO GOOD!!!! :) :) :)

Baby Steps

I walked into that gym determined to do what I needed to do today.

And, I walked out of there feeling like a new person.

Proud of myself.

Sweating.

Smiling.

I finished a mile on the treadmill.

I haven't done that in over 5 years.

Today I am a happy, happy girl.

Workout #1

totally kicked my butt and left me feeling very discouraged this morning. I didn't expect to be able to walk in there and do an hour on the elliptical, but I was only able to do 10 minutes!!! I started on the treadmill at 2.6 and managed to do 15 minutes. The stupid machine kept beeping at me telling me my heart rate was too high so it would slow down to compensate. So, I moved to the elliptical and after only 3 minutes I thought I was going to die!! I pushed through it and gave up after 10 minutes. I had originally planned to do some circuit training today, too. But, I ended up leaving in tears.

And, to top it all off I have gained two more pounds.

I am trying to not beat myself up over this. I just got out of the hospital last week with a sudden case of asthma and I was in there for 5 days. My body is still healing. I know this is going to be one baby step at a time, but today I feel like crap.

I feel fat. I feel totally out of shape. And, mostly, I feel embarrassed that I allowed myself to get to this point.

I am not going to stop. I will be back at the gym tomorrow....even if it's only for 20 minutes. I am so determined to LOSE THIS WEIGHT!!!!

Day One = Done.

What are you listening to...

on your drive home from work?

My drive just so happens to take place at 6am every morning, Sunday through Thursday. I love to roll the windows down, turn up the volume and sing at the top of my lungs all the way home. It's my time to be crazy, drive fast, and sing away all the stress from work, family....life.

I am one of those people who live for music. It feeds me. Keeps me sane.

Makes me happy. :)

Here are a few of my favorites from my "drive home" playlist.

***Scroll to the very bottom of this page and click the pause button on the player so you can listen***

This song remains in my Top Ten "Get Happy Fast" list...

And this one? Well, you simply can't NOT feel good when you listen to it. Makes me want to run away from all the stress in the world...




An old one from high school (Amy, you will remember this one!!)



This song is at the very top of my drive list. It has been there for a number of years. I play it in the car and sing to my Mama, my Daddy, Charlie and Johnny. I pray for my children, I remember my loved ones, and I smile inside. :)



And, the last one for today. This song makes my husband crazy, but I LOVE it. It makes me happy.