Double Time

I did two miles today!!!

GO ME!!

I am very comfortable with this workout and I think I will keep up this pace for now.

I feel SO GOOD!!!! :) :) :)

Baby Steps

I walked into that gym determined to do what I needed to do today.

And, I walked out of there feeling like a new person.

Proud of myself.

Sweating.

Smiling.

I finished a mile on the treadmill.

I haven't done that in over 5 years.

Today I am a happy, happy girl.

Workout #1

totally kicked my butt and left me feeling very discouraged this morning. I didn't expect to be able to walk in there and do an hour on the elliptical, but I was only able to do 10 minutes!!! I started on the treadmill at 2.6 and managed to do 15 minutes. The stupid machine kept beeping at me telling me my heart rate was too high so it would slow down to compensate. So, I moved to the elliptical and after only 3 minutes I thought I was going to die!! I pushed through it and gave up after 10 minutes. I had originally planned to do some circuit training today, too. But, I ended up leaving in tears.

And, to top it all off I have gained two more pounds.

I am trying to not beat myself up over this. I just got out of the hospital last week with a sudden case of asthma and I was in there for 5 days. My body is still healing. I know this is going to be one baby step at a time, but today I feel like crap.

I feel fat. I feel totally out of shape. And, mostly, I feel embarrassed that I allowed myself to get to this point.

I am not going to stop. I will be back at the gym tomorrow....even if it's only for 20 minutes. I am so determined to LOSE THIS WEIGHT!!!!

Day One = Done.

What are you listening to...

on your drive home from work?

My drive just so happens to take place at 6am every morning, Sunday through Thursday. I love to roll the windows down, turn up the volume and sing at the top of my lungs all the way home. It's my time to be crazy, drive fast, and sing away all the stress from work, family....life.

I am one of those people who live for music. It feeds me. Keeps me sane.

Makes me happy. :)

Here are a few of my favorites from my "drive home" playlist.

***Scroll to the very bottom of this page and click the pause button on the player so you can listen***

This song remains in my Top Ten "Get Happy Fast" list...

And this one? Well, you simply can't NOT feel good when you listen to it. Makes me want to run away from all the stress in the world...




An old one from high school (Amy, you will remember this one!!)



This song is at the very top of my drive list. It has been there for a number of years. I play it in the car and sing to my Mama, my Daddy, Charlie and Johnny. I pray for my children, I remember my loved ones, and I smile inside. :)



And, the last one for today. This song makes my husband crazy, but I LOVE it. It makes me happy.

Two Words

can literally change your life.

They can paralyze you.

Or, they can motivate you.

I am going with the last one.

What are those two words?

Morbidly Obese.

Yes, you read that right. I am clinically classified as morbidly obese. Me, the girl who was literally the poster child for anorexia when I was a teenager. The girl who was a size 3 all through high school and a size 6 when I got pregnant with my last baby. Well, I now wear a size 24. I am tired of hiding. I am tired of being embarrassed of my body. Tired of being scared to visit my family for fear of what they will think of my massive size.

But, mostly, I am tired.

I was recently hospitalized with a case of sudden, severe adult onset asthma and while I was seeking in patient treatment, my doctor decided to run a few tests.

Not only am I seriously overweight, I have high blood pressure, significant thyroid issues, swelling in my legs and feet, asthma, fluid around my heart, and I am at a high risk for type 2 diabetes.

It's time for a change and I am ready. I have a total of 128 pounds to lose and I am giving myself an undetermined amount of time to do it in. To me, this isn't just about weight loss, it's about my life. Specifically, the rest of my life. My husband is on board with me and we plan to go join the local gym next week. I already have clearance from my doctor to start this, provided I stay on my asthma meds and watch myself closely.

I am scared, but determined.

I am nervous, but excited.

I am ready.

Let's do this. :)

I didn't want to write this post

But....I have to. It's time.

I am hanging up my camera.

Indefinitely.

And, it's not because I want to. It's because I have to.

I have mentioned on my facebook more than one time that some changes were coming and since then I have been putting off writing this post. Well, I can't wait another day.

I am hanging up my camera so that I can devote more time and energy to the Arkansas Crisis Center. I will be doing some training at the end of this week to prepare myself for the changes ahead. A few weeks ago I received an invitation in the mail from them to join the development advisory committee and I am jumping at the chance. For the last four years I have longed to be in a position to devote hours and days of my time supporting suicide awareness and prevention programs. Those of you who know me well know just how much this means to me. I have prayed about it, cried about it, and patiently waited on the right time.

Well, that time is now.

Suicide awareness, education, and prevention are at the core of my heart and I am super excited about this opportunity.

I have also been in discussion with the Crisis Center about facilitating a survivor group for youth. I literally fell into this while looking for a group for Kendall to participate in here in Northwest Arkansas. There are none. Not a single support group specific to suicide loss for children. One question led to another. There a still some details that need to be worked out, but if it all comes together, I will be leading this group and doing the kind of volunteer work my heart aches to do.

With all that said, there is no way I can volunteer for the Crisis Center, work my full time job at the Northwest Arkansas Children's Shelter, do photography on my days off (and on some days I work!!) and still be a fully functioning member of my family. There just aren't enough hours in the day or days in the week for all I want to be doing. I have thought long and hard about this and this is the decision I have come to.

*If you have a session already booked with me, you don't need to worry. I will be making every appt. I have previously made.

*I will not be seeking new clients for any sessions after July.

*This doesn't mean I won't be doing *any* sessions at all. If you REALLY want me to do your photos, call me and we'll talk about it. I take cookies as a form of payment. :)

*I won't be doing any pro work or adding anything else to my pro portfolio for at least the next year.

*I will, however, be doing some hobby work, including chasing my children around with a camera in my face. :)

Please don't freak out and call me crazy for this decision. I have already had to explain myself to a few people who can't quite understand why I would quit doing something that I love so much. Trust me, this wasn't an easy decision. And, I hadn't truly made up my mind until I found myself crying in my husband's arms yesterday because I was so exhausted.

Working night shift full time, doing photography part time, taking care of a home and family, and trying to maintain some sort of a routine definitely isn't for sissies!!! :)

It's going to be a long night.

After dealing with tornadoes on Sunday night, severe flooding last night (I almost didn't make it to the end of our street and then almost killed myself trying to make it to work), and facing the significant possibility for severe tornadoes tonight, my brain is dead. My sweet Kendall is acting all scared-hypervigilant-nervous about *anything* that even resembles a cloud in the sky and one of his good friends at school lost their home in West Siloam Sunday night. My heart is breaking for all those affected and we are going to do it all again tonight. I'm going to bed right after I take a long, hot bath.

I have a feeling I will need to be well rested this evening.

The post in which I write about employment, report cards, and miracle drugs

The Children's Shelter called and offered me a job today.

I almost jumped off the couch when I realized why they were calling.

You see, I applied for this job two months ago.

Yes, it is a night shift position, 11:30-7:30, Tuesday through Saturday. Most of their childcare workers aren't needed during the day, as the children are in school. And, it's $3.00 more per hour than I make now. But, I am not leaving my current job because of the money. That is only one of the many pros I can list for this position. I can stay there after I finish my degree and do the one thing I have longed to do for so many, many years. Be a role model and positive influence in the lives of hurting, broken children.

I am so excited I can't sit still. I have to go do my background checks tomorrow evening after I get off work from the preschool.

Some of you may be asking, "Why on earth are you changing jobs AGAIN?"

So, to you, I say this:

I have wanted to apply at this shelter for over two years now. It is only with the encouragement of my best friend that I finally caved, sucked it up, and applied. Then, I waited. That wait has paid off, BIG TIME. For years I have wanted to work with hurting women and children in some capacity. That is where my heart is, with victims of violence and abuse. They are my passion and I want to have a positive impact on their broken lives. I took the position at the preschool because I couldn't not have a job any longer. We needed a paycheck. I have been waiting on the phone call from them for two months. Waiting. Pacing. Crying. Praying. Finally, it came today. I know without a doubt this is an answer to prayer.

However, that is not to say I won't miss my kids at the preschool. I love them and I feel a sense of commitment to them. I have wrestled with the "what ifs" for days on end. What if the shelter calls me? Will I be able to leave my kids? What will happen when they have yet another teacher walk out on them? How do I explain my decision to my boss? How do I explain this decision to the BIG lead teacher (over all the other leads) when she does nothing but praise me and my work with these kiddos? She told me the other day that she was so happy I was part of that school, that she knew I was different.

A keeper, she said.

You have no idea how hard this decision has been.

But honestly, my decision was made before the phone ever rang today.

God knew it was going to happen before we ever did and I am leaving it to him to work out all the details. To go before me and prepare hearts and minds for what I have to say.

In other family news.....Kendall got straight A's on his report card!!!!!!!

I am so happy I can't stop smiling. He has worked his tail off for those grades. I plan to take him out for crab legs soon. He loves crab legs. :)

And, in other "Kendall News".....we have finally, after many heartbreaking years filled with tears, fights, and ultimatums figured out what is going on inside his pretty little head.

Kendall has ADHD. Severely.

I am not going to post all the details about how we came to believe this about him, but trust me when I say it's been a nightmare.

First, we know what his pediatrician said. If he is truly ADHD and he is put on the right medicine, we will know that very day whether or not this his real diagnosis. Well, she nailed it. He has been on Risperdal for a "Mood Disorder, non specific" for about a month now. He takes only .5mg at bedtime, a tiny dose meant to stabilize his intense mood swings. It helped, but he was still having some issues with his temper and focusing. So, she started him on Concerta for ADHD. The very first day his teacher said he was like a different kid. She had to keep looking up to make sure he was still in the classroom. I was thrilled.

It has only gotten better since then. He says he feels better, he is getting his friends back and he can finally do a math test without having a total meltdown. In the last week he has aced his reading test, read out loud in class for the first time in months, and brought home a straight A report card. I am so happy I feel like crying!!! He feels so much better about himself.

The issue with putting kids on medicine?? Keep your comments to yourself. He is my son and I will make that decision. He was at a point where it was doing more harm than good to keep him OFF the medicine.

All in all, it's been a very good week for our little family.

Oh, and a shout out to my bestie, Debra!! She landed herself a "Big Girl" job with all the trimmings working for a wonderful organization in NW Arkansas. She went out and bought herself a new car, too. I am so very proud of her and FOR HER. So, Miss Debra, here is your pat on the back, girlfriend. I love ya. As soon as we get the chance, we are headed to Jose's for a couple of Big Ol' Strawberry Margaritas!!! :)

jackie