I am still here.

I have just been a really busy girl.

Here is a list of things that have been going on "behind the scenes" that you may or may not be already aware of.

1. I recently severed ties with everyone from my father's side of the family. I have spent too many years hurting and heartbroken. I will not be a doormat, "the black sheep", or "THAT Jackie" anymore. I have never been part of their world and I never will be. It took me 15 years to realize that truth.

2. Before severing ties with everyone from my father's side of the family, I also severed ties with many people on my mother's side of the family. I remain in touch with my Grandma, my Aunt Lynn, and my Aunt Kathy. That is all. I will not explain the reasons why I came to this decision, but it was one that needed to happen years ago. I just finally got the courage to stand up for myself one last time. Those of you who are close to me already know the history with this side of the family, so I know in my heart you understand my reasons why.

3. I am still working at the Children's Shelter and while it is busy and crazy some days, I can't imagine doing anything else in the world. Yes, there are a few personality differences here and there, but I LOVE my job and consider it the one of the best opportunities that has ever happened to me.

4. Holley is growing up faster than I ever thought possible. She will be 16 in November. She will be a licensed driver and that fact scares me to death. She is busy with school, life, friends, and being a typical teenager these days.

5. Danielle is also growing like a weed. We had a small party here at our home for her 12th birthday this past month. She recently got braces and while I am sure they are uncomfortable and hurt at times, I can already see a difference in her self esteem. She is smiling and talking more than she has in the 8 years she has been in my life. I love that!!

6. Kendall just celebrated his 11th birthday in August. He is now well over 5' tall and eats us out of house and home. He currently wears a size 9 1/2 men's shoe. WOW!! He is staying busy playing with friends, school, and trying to navigate that thing called puberty.

7. Jason and I are doing better than ever. We only see each other at certain times during the day and night due to our different work schedules, but we are growing closer and stronger each day. I love him with all of my heart and appreciate the support he has given me while I struggled with the hard decisions concerning my family.

8. I am doing some training with the Crisis Center and plan to travel to Boston this December to complete even more training. I will be attending a two day class to prepare me for facilitating a support group for suicide survivors. This group will be specific to youth, ages 5-17, who have lost a loved one or friend to suicide. I am nervous and excited, but SO READY for this journey to begin. I am doing this for my son and all the other children out there who feel they have no one they can talk to that TRULY understand how they feel.

9. On top of our jobs, kids, life, and all the busyness these things bring day to day, Jason and I have had one more blow to our life. On the morning of September 25th, I had a miscarriage. I had no idea I was even pregnant. We were told three years ago that our chances of conceiving naturally where <1%. We have been trying to have a baby together for 7 years now. So....there I was, in the ER, laying on the a very uncomfortable hospital stretcher, when they told me. Needless to say, I was in shock. I couldn't call Jason at work for various reasons, I couldn't reach my mother-in-law, and I was all alone. I got the news, was told to return in two days for another ultrasound and then, I took a cab home. The doctor had given me morphine for pain which made it unsafe for me to drive. I came home, went to bed, cried, and tried to make it through the next few hours.

The next few days.

The next week.

10. Yes, we are very sad and somewhat depressed by this loss, but we remain hopeful. Jason more so at this point than I am. At least we know now that I CAN get pregnant. So, it is with a humble heart, and not one seeking "I'm so sorry", or sympathy, or attention, that I ask you to pray for us.

For healing, for peace, for comfort.

And, also, for a viable pregnancy.

With love....

I am starting to feel it

Today:

One mile on the treadmill (and only because my shins were KILLING me!!!

Five miles on the recumbent bike.

I'm super tired, but I can't sleep.

There is simply too much going on right now personally and now I am up cleaning like a mad woman.

Can't wait for Thursday when I can chill out at Pam's Poolside Paradise with a nice cold drink!!

Can I get a pretty colorful umbrella in that, please?? :)

Double Time

I did two miles today!!!

GO ME!!

I am very comfortable with this workout and I think I will keep up this pace for now.

I feel SO GOOD!!!! :) :) :)

Baby Steps

I walked into that gym determined to do what I needed to do today.

And, I walked out of there feeling like a new person.

Proud of myself.

Sweating.

Smiling.

I finished a mile on the treadmill.

I haven't done that in over 5 years.

Today I am a happy, happy girl.

Workout #1

totally kicked my butt and left me feeling very discouraged this morning. I didn't expect to be able to walk in there and do an hour on the elliptical, but I was only able to do 10 minutes!!! I started on the treadmill at 2.6 and managed to do 15 minutes. The stupid machine kept beeping at me telling me my heart rate was too high so it would slow down to compensate. So, I moved to the elliptical and after only 3 minutes I thought I was going to die!! I pushed through it and gave up after 10 minutes. I had originally planned to do some circuit training today, too. But, I ended up leaving in tears.

And, to top it all off I have gained two more pounds.

I am trying to not beat myself up over this. I just got out of the hospital last week with a sudden case of asthma and I was in there for 5 days. My body is still healing. I know this is going to be one baby step at a time, but today I feel like crap.

I feel fat. I feel totally out of shape. And, mostly, I feel embarrassed that I allowed myself to get to this point.

I am not going to stop. I will be back at the gym tomorrow....even if it's only for 20 minutes. I am so determined to LOSE THIS WEIGHT!!!!

Day One = Done.

What are you listening to...

on your drive home from work?

My drive just so happens to take place at 6am every morning, Sunday through Thursday. I love to roll the windows down, turn up the volume and sing at the top of my lungs all the way home. It's my time to be crazy, drive fast, and sing away all the stress from work, family....life.

I am one of those people who live for music. It feeds me. Keeps me sane.

Makes me happy. :)

Here are a few of my favorites from my "drive home" playlist.

***Scroll to the very bottom of this page and click the pause button on the player so you can listen***

This song remains in my Top Ten "Get Happy Fast" list...

And this one? Well, you simply can't NOT feel good when you listen to it. Makes me want to run away from all the stress in the world...




An old one from high school (Amy, you will remember this one!!)



This song is at the very top of my drive list. It has been there for a number of years. I play it in the car and sing to my Mama, my Daddy, Charlie and Johnny. I pray for my children, I remember my loved ones, and I smile inside. :)



And, the last one for today. This song makes my husband crazy, but I LOVE it. It makes me happy.

Two Words

can literally change your life.

They can paralyze you.

Or, they can motivate you.

I am going with the last one.

What are those two words?

Morbidly Obese.

Yes, you read that right. I am clinically classified as morbidly obese. Me, the girl who was literally the poster child for anorexia when I was a teenager. The girl who was a size 3 all through high school and a size 6 when I got pregnant with my last baby. Well, I now wear a size 24. I am tired of hiding. I am tired of being embarrassed of my body. Tired of being scared to visit my family for fear of what they will think of my massive size.

But, mostly, I am tired.

I was recently hospitalized with a case of sudden, severe adult onset asthma and while I was seeking in patient treatment, my doctor decided to run a few tests.

Not only am I seriously overweight, I have high blood pressure, significant thyroid issues, swelling in my legs and feet, asthma, fluid around my heart, and I am at a high risk for type 2 diabetes.

It's time for a change and I am ready. I have a total of 128 pounds to lose and I am giving myself an undetermined amount of time to do it in. To me, this isn't just about weight loss, it's about my life. Specifically, the rest of my life. My husband is on board with me and we plan to go join the local gym next week. I already have clearance from my doctor to start this, provided I stay on my asthma meds and watch myself closely.

I am scared, but determined.

I am nervous, but excited.

I am ready.

Let's do this. :)

I didn't want to write this post

But....I have to. It's time.

I am hanging up my camera.

Indefinitely.

And, it's not because I want to. It's because I have to.

I have mentioned on my facebook more than one time that some changes were coming and since then I have been putting off writing this post. Well, I can't wait another day.

I am hanging up my camera so that I can devote more time and energy to the Arkansas Crisis Center. I will be doing some training at the end of this week to prepare myself for the changes ahead. A few weeks ago I received an invitation in the mail from them to join the development advisory committee and I am jumping at the chance. For the last four years I have longed to be in a position to devote hours and days of my time supporting suicide awareness and prevention programs. Those of you who know me well know just how much this means to me. I have prayed about it, cried about it, and patiently waited on the right time.

Well, that time is now.

Suicide awareness, education, and prevention are at the core of my heart and I am super excited about this opportunity.

I have also been in discussion with the Crisis Center about facilitating a survivor group for youth. I literally fell into this while looking for a group for Kendall to participate in here in Northwest Arkansas. There are none. Not a single support group specific to suicide loss for children. One question led to another. There a still some details that need to be worked out, but if it all comes together, I will be leading this group and doing the kind of volunteer work my heart aches to do.

With all that said, there is no way I can volunteer for the Crisis Center, work my full time job at the Northwest Arkansas Children's Shelter, do photography on my days off (and on some days I work!!) and still be a fully functioning member of my family. There just aren't enough hours in the day or days in the week for all I want to be doing. I have thought long and hard about this and this is the decision I have come to.

*If you have a session already booked with me, you don't need to worry. I will be making every appt. I have previously made.

*I will not be seeking new clients for any sessions after July.

*This doesn't mean I won't be doing *any* sessions at all. If you REALLY want me to do your photos, call me and we'll talk about it. I take cookies as a form of payment. :)

*I won't be doing any pro work or adding anything else to my pro portfolio for at least the next year.

*I will, however, be doing some hobby work, including chasing my children around with a camera in my face. :)

Please don't freak out and call me crazy for this decision. I have already had to explain myself to a few people who can't quite understand why I would quit doing something that I love so much. Trust me, this wasn't an easy decision. And, I hadn't truly made up my mind until I found myself crying in my husband's arms yesterday because I was so exhausted.

Working night shift full time, doing photography part time, taking care of a home and family, and trying to maintain some sort of a routine definitely isn't for sissies!!! :)

It's going to be a long night.

After dealing with tornadoes on Sunday night, severe flooding last night (I almost didn't make it to the end of our street and then almost killed myself trying to make it to work), and facing the significant possibility for severe tornadoes tonight, my brain is dead. My sweet Kendall is acting all scared-hypervigilant-nervous about *anything* that even resembles a cloud in the sky and one of his good friends at school lost their home in West Siloam Sunday night. My heart is breaking for all those affected and we are going to do it all again tonight. I'm going to bed right after I take a long, hot bath.

I have a feeling I will need to be well rested this evening.

The post in which I write about employment, report cards, and miracle drugs

The Children's Shelter called and offered me a job today.

I almost jumped off the couch when I realized why they were calling.

You see, I applied for this job two months ago.

Yes, it is a night shift position, 11:30-7:30, Tuesday through Saturday. Most of their childcare workers aren't needed during the day, as the children are in school. And, it's $3.00 more per hour than I make now. But, I am not leaving my current job because of the money. That is only one of the many pros I can list for this position. I can stay there after I finish my degree and do the one thing I have longed to do for so many, many years. Be a role model and positive influence in the lives of hurting, broken children.

I am so excited I can't sit still. I have to go do my background checks tomorrow evening after I get off work from the preschool.

Some of you may be asking, "Why on earth are you changing jobs AGAIN?"

So, to you, I say this:

I have wanted to apply at this shelter for over two years now. It is only with the encouragement of my best friend that I finally caved, sucked it up, and applied. Then, I waited. That wait has paid off, BIG TIME. For years I have wanted to work with hurting women and children in some capacity. That is where my heart is, with victims of violence and abuse. They are my passion and I want to have a positive impact on their broken lives. I took the position at the preschool because I couldn't not have a job any longer. We needed a paycheck. I have been waiting on the phone call from them for two months. Waiting. Pacing. Crying. Praying. Finally, it came today. I know without a doubt this is an answer to prayer.

However, that is not to say I won't miss my kids at the preschool. I love them and I feel a sense of commitment to them. I have wrestled with the "what ifs" for days on end. What if the shelter calls me? Will I be able to leave my kids? What will happen when they have yet another teacher walk out on them? How do I explain my decision to my boss? How do I explain this decision to the BIG lead teacher (over all the other leads) when she does nothing but praise me and my work with these kiddos? She told me the other day that she was so happy I was part of that school, that she knew I was different.

A keeper, she said.

You have no idea how hard this decision has been.

But honestly, my decision was made before the phone ever rang today.

God knew it was going to happen before we ever did and I am leaving it to him to work out all the details. To go before me and prepare hearts and minds for what I have to say.

In other family news.....Kendall got straight A's on his report card!!!!!!!

I am so happy I can't stop smiling. He has worked his tail off for those grades. I plan to take him out for crab legs soon. He loves crab legs. :)

And, in other "Kendall News".....we have finally, after many heartbreaking years filled with tears, fights, and ultimatums figured out what is going on inside his pretty little head.

Kendall has ADHD. Severely.

I am not going to post all the details about how we came to believe this about him, but trust me when I say it's been a nightmare.

First, we know what his pediatrician said. If he is truly ADHD and he is put on the right medicine, we will know that very day whether or not this his real diagnosis. Well, she nailed it. He has been on Risperdal for a "Mood Disorder, non specific" for about a month now. He takes only .5mg at bedtime, a tiny dose meant to stabilize his intense mood swings. It helped, but he was still having some issues with his temper and focusing. So, she started him on Concerta for ADHD. The very first day his teacher said he was like a different kid. She had to keep looking up to make sure he was still in the classroom. I was thrilled.

It has only gotten better since then. He says he feels better, he is getting his friends back and he can finally do a math test without having a total meltdown. In the last week he has aced his reading test, read out loud in class for the first time in months, and brought home a straight A report card. I am so happy I feel like crying!!! He feels so much better about himself.

The issue with putting kids on medicine?? Keep your comments to yourself. He is my son and I will make that decision. He was at a point where it was doing more harm than good to keep him OFF the medicine.

All in all, it's been a very good week for our little family.

Oh, and a shout out to my bestie, Debra!! She landed herself a "Big Girl" job with all the trimmings working for a wonderful organization in NW Arkansas. She went out and bought herself a new car, too. I am so very proud of her and FOR HER. So, Miss Debra, here is your pat on the back, girlfriend. I love ya. As soon as we get the chance, we are headed to Jose's for a couple of Big Ol' Strawberry Margaritas!!! :)

jackie

I love these kids. :)

So, yesterday I came home to a nasty tornado warning and sirens going off. It was really, really intense here for awhile. Jason was driving home in it. He had picked up Danielle and I knew judging by what time it was that he was getting very close to home....and the impending storm. I prayed first, then I told Kendall to get in the bathtub. I turned on the news and that is when I realized JUST how close the storm was. A storm spotter had identified a funnel cloud on the ground and it was headed right for us. I freaked out and called my son's grandfather. I was in a full blown state of panic by that time and knowing that my husband was driving in it almost sent me over the edge. Charles calmed me down a bit. I also called my best friend and told her the sirens were going off and she needed to take cover now. *She lives in a second story apartment with her two boys.* She decided it was best to try and make the drive over here before the storm hit us. So, there I was....outside....pacing....praying....and watching the sky. Debra got here first and Jason was right behind her, with Danielle. I got all the kids in the bathroom and we all started watching the news. It was then that we realized it was going to miss us by about 5 miles or so. It traveled right behind the casino and then turned and headed north of us. The casino is only about a two minute drive from our house and to be blunt, I was scared out of my mind. I had seen the severe damage the last tornado did to Arkansas' little town of Cincinnati in December.

We watched and waited.

It missed us and all we got was a bit of hail, some heavy rain and high winds.

I calmed down and later, my friend and her kids decided to go back to their own home.

A few hours after the storm I looked outside and the sky was a gorgeous red and yellow color. I told the kids to go outside to look and they were amazed at how awesome the colors looked. Before we came back in I was talking to them about if the sirens were to go off in the middle of the night, they needed to go straight to the bathroom and they weren't to try and grab anything. Just go to their safe place. Kendall looked at me and said, "Mom, what about my hermit crabs?"

Danielle, my sweet, shy, quiet daughter *she lets everyone else do all the talking around here!!* looked at him like he was crazy and said....

"Kendall, nobody cares about your stupid hermit crabs!!!"

I thought I was going to wet my pants I was laughing so hard.

If you know just how shy my step-daughter is, you obviously know this is totally out of character for her to say something like this.

I love these kids. They make me smile.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

I just don't know if I can do this.

When I went back to work yesterday I *thought* I would be returning to the same position I left....an assistant teaching position in the Pre-K room.

I was wrong.

Dead wrong.

I was made Lead Teacher of the 2 year old room.

I am responsible for a number of things, the most time consuming being planning and implementing a monthly lesson plan. I am also over the assistant teachers in my room and it is my job to make sure they do their jobs.

I am scared out of my mind!!

I have SO MANY THINGS that I am responsible for and it *almost* sends me into panic mode!!

I have to write out an activity calendar full of age-appropriate projects and activities to fill up the hours of 7am-6pm, Monday thru Friday. We have two art projects to complete each day of every week and coloring sheets are not allowed. I have to keep track of what each child is accomplishing on their individual anecdotal record. I have to plan lesson plan enhancements for each month to correspond with the monthly theme and activities. I have to plan one special celebration/party every month, complete with handmade gifts for the parents. I have to plan a chapel/faith lesson with an art project for my assigned week every month. I have to create and maintain a folder for any substitute teacher we may have if I am absent. I have to hold parent teacher conferences twice a year and more often if necessary. I have to....I have to.....I have to.....

OH DEAR GOD, HELP ME!!!!! I am so very scared.

All of my life my friends and the family that love me have always said I was a natural born leader. I am one of the best planners they know. I am so organized it makes them sick. That I am assertive, but compassionate. That I am strong, but loving. That I don't take any crap from anyone, at anytime.

Then why the heck am I so scared??

I honestly feel in my heart I can do this, but my "I am Human, and I will Fail" mind is telling me I can't.

I am now responsible for the care and learning of 15 two year olds. And, in between all of this learning, planning, reading, and writing I will need to stop and give hugs. I will need to rub backs when they can't fall asleep. I will have to change diapers for those that aren't quite potty trained. I will be singing songs and doing puzzles. I will teach them how to cut with scissors and how to count in Spanish. (I can't even count in Spanish!!!!) :)

I am humbly asking for your prayers and support as I jump into this head first. I am a bit overwhelmed and as nervous as a turkey on Thanksgiving Day, but my kids will never know that. I will hold my head up and teach them to the best of my abilities. I will try to lead and guide them down the right path. I will do my best to help them become helpers.

And hopefully, they will help Me to become a much better Me.

The Blue Room

this is where I will be tomorrow.

In the Blue Room.

With 17 absolutely fantastic kiddos from 8:30am-5:30pm.

We will have breakfast and then we will do a craft project. After that we will head outside to play basketball, ride tricycles and play hide and seek. Then the fun begins. After we get back inside, I will do one on one interaction with each child working on numbers, letters, and sight words. The other kids will be at one of several stations in the classroom doing various activities together. They will build with Legos. Some of the girls will put on aprons and mix up "pancake batter." Others will work with blocks and cars, building elaborate roadways with bridges and tunnels. Before long, it's lunch time. The wonderful, amazing Lunch Lady will bring us our food and we will all sit down to eat as a group. My kids will serve themselves after washing and drying their hands. They will use their best manners and eat with napkins on their laps. I will smile and enjoy the most exciting conversations imaginable. "Miss Jackie, did you know I have a pet turtle?" "Miss Jackie, I love to dip my grilled cheese in tomato soup!!" "Miss Jackie, you are so nice to us." "Miss Jackie, may I have some more peaches, please?"

After lunch is finished we have circle time. This is when we sing "Little Bunny Foo Foo" and do our exercises. Then, it's nap time. I will clean, sanitize and prepare for the afternoon. When the kids wake up we will work on another art project. This one will involve glue, colors, markers, construction paper cutting, and lots of enthusiasm. My kids are so proud of the things they create. I am proud of them, too. Even when the lines aren't straight or they color an entire daffodil black. I laugh and tell them, "This is such a beautiful flower." Later, we will go outside for the last time on this day. The kids will run, jump, and scream. I will watch over them with a protective eye. When someone falls and scrapes their knee I will hug them and offer a band-aid.

Later, when Mom or Dad picks up each of these precious children, I will watch them go and know I kept them safe for one more day.

I will know I helped them learn. I helped them grow a little more. I allowed them to ask questions. I was there for them when they needed help tying a shoe or remembering the words of the Lord's Prayer.

I don't have the words to tell you how much I love my job. I feel this is right where I am supposed to be at this point in my life.

I am so grateful tonight.

Grateful for my job. Grateful for these little ones and all they teach me.

Grateful for second chances.

Surviving the Journey

I need to be working on writing posts for the "My Story" and "About This Blog" links, but I am too tired to get started on it today. And to be bluntly honest, I have no idea where to start my story. Over the years more than a couple of people have been quoted as saying, "You know, you really can't make this shit up" when discussing my life and it's history. So, I don't really know where to begin.

But, I CAN tell you that yesterday was AMAZING.

We ventured out dressed to brave the freezing temperatures and brutal wind to walk in the Surviving the Journey 5K and Memory Walk. When I say it was cold, Man oh Man, it was COLD. The wind just about caused me to turn back and head right back home to my warm bed, but my kids were with me and that made me press on. So, we gathered with quite a few others to walk for awareness and remember our loved ones. Shortly after we arrived the kids and I decided to fill out notes for the memory board. This was our first walk and I really wanted to experience all of it, so I encouraged the kids to write down a message to Charlie and my Dad. Let me back track for just a minute here....My late husband's father, Charles Sr. drove up from south Arkansas with his granddaughter and her friend to be with us for the walk. He has never been to anything like this and it made me cry to have him here. We met him at the park and after hugs and a few tears we walked together to the registration table. I signed us all in and we got our t-shirts. Charles was the first to write a note to Charlie. Kendall and I wrote ours next and since Kendall was finished before I was, I didn't get a photo of him writing it. :( I actually failed at getting any really super photos because I was trying really hard to "be there" and not just be the "photographer" at the event. I wanted to experience this with my children, not have that camera stuck in my face the entire time. And I finally decided that instead of trying to capture every little detail, I would put the camera down and allow myself to be in the moment for once.

We shared in a few minutes of silence to remember those we have lost and all of the people who have attempted suicide and survived. When I looked up, everyone I saw was crying. I was so happy to not be the only one!! I was really scared I would be the only one who cried so much. It's hard to hold back the tears when you are dealing with such strong emotions. The sponsors for the walk had balloons for us to release. Holley, Kendall, and I all released two balloons, one for my Daddy and one for Charlie. It was so cool to watch as they floated away. Every one of the walkers stood and watched until none of the balloons could be seen anymore. It was awesome!!

It was great. I laughed. I cried. We shared memories. We were quiet.

But, the most important thing happened: We remembered.

Later, Kendall and his grandpa Charles spent a bit of time together here at the house. They talked and played football. We looked at photo albums. We laughed and cried some more. It was a most perfect day. I only wish Charles could have stayed longer!! We miss you already!!

Here are a few of the photos I took yesterday. They certainly aren't my best and I look totally awful. I had my hair back in a ponytail and with the headband on to keep my ears warm I look like I have no hair!! Oh well, it's not about me. It's about them.

The sign from the walk.

Kendall with his Grandpa Charles.

Kendall in the USA leather coat that belonged to his father, Charles Jr. It now belongs to Charles Sr. This is the first time Kendall has had it on and I cried when Charles told Kendall he was getting a "hug from his daddy".

Holley, Kendall, and I with the very last photo taken of my Daddy. It was taken on his birthday, 10 days before he died. It's my very favorite photo of him.

Kendall and Grandpa Charles with the very last photo taken of Charles Jr. and Kendall. It was taken at Kendall's 1st birthday on August 1, 2001. Charlie died on December 4, 2001 and this photo was displayed at his funeral. One copy now sits on Kendall's headboard and another copy is in his school binder.

Charles Sr., Kendall, and I trying our best to stay warm in the freezing temperatures!!

Holley and Shelby at the walk.

Kendall walking hand in hand with his Grandpa Charles. I tell you what, that man amazes me sometimes!! He has a really bad knee and walks with a cane sometimes, but he was determined to finish that walk on his feet and not in a wheelchair. I must have asked him 50 times or more if he was hurting or needed me to get his chair. He held his head up and kept right on going, Kendall holding his hand the entire way. I mostly walked behind watching the two of them together. It warmed my heart and made me cry big ol' tears. My son, who lost his father at age 16 months, was walking for suicide awareness with his Grandpa, who lost his son. One of them was remembering the son he misses so dearly. The other was grieving for the loss of the father he doesn't know how to miss. I was hurting for both of them. My precious son, who is my miracle baby, misses his real daddy so very much and this great man, his Grandpa, is the one person who can fill that void better than anyone else. Yes, my son has a "father" in my husband, Jason. After all, Jason has been in Kendall's life since he was 3 years old, but Jason can't give him what his Grandpa can. Charles Sr. can answer the 5, 392, 419 questions Kendall has about his Dad. Charles and ONLY Charles can do that for my dear boy.

My sweet daughter writing her note to Charlie.

I <3 You.

I miss You.

This note? The one she is hanging on the board? Well, this is when I REALLY lost it. She wrote a note for my Daddy, her namesake. It wasn't the fact that she wrote the note. It wasn't really the fact that she told him she loved him. It was the fact that my amazing, smart daughter put into words the exact thing I think every SINGLE time I think about my daddy AND Charlie. She told my Daddy she wished she could have known him. My Daddy took his life when Holley was a wee little babe, only two months old. My Charlie took his life when Kendall was just learning who his daddy was, only 16 months old. It is so crazy to me that my daughter, my sweet Holley Girl put on paper what I feel for both of my babies.

I wish they could have known them.

I wish Holley could have known my Daddy. Wish they could go hunting together. Go down to the Pit Stop in Arcadia and get a Coke ICEE with a bag of Doritos. I wanted him to teach her how to change the oil in her car. How to change a flat tire. To share all of his mechanical knowledge with her. I wanted him to take her to the lease, eat some nasty Vienna Sausages, drink black coffee and kill a couple of big bucks.

I wish Kendall could have known his Daddy. I wish they could have gone to Silver Dollar City together. I wish Charlie was here to teach Kendall how to pitch a baseball and catch a football. To help him with his homework. To tuck him in bed at night. I wanted them to make pancakes together and then eat every one of them for breakfast.

Our notes took up half of one board.

These are the notes we wrote for our loved ones. Just a few words. Not nearly all we have to say to them, but we wrote what was on our hearts at the time.

I am thrilled that I got to share this day with my children and Charles Sr. I will hold these memories close to my heart for the rest of my life.

about this blog: a warning

This blog contains things that most would consider "sensitive material".

In fact, I think I would even consider this blog "adult only".

It's your call.

Here's the deal....

I write about some really difficult issues.

Death.

Suicide.

Sadness.

Grief.

Some of my posts contain bad words.

Really bad words.

Sometimes, lots of them.

I will not censor my posts for you.

However, you DO have a choice in this.

---Take me to the kittens.---

You can choose not to read here.

I don't care either way.

This blog is not about you, it's about me.

I am sorry if this offends any of you, but I am not going to make myself into something I'm not just to make you feel better, or because I am scared of what you might think of me.

I am 35 years old, I write about some really strong emotions, and you know what?

Sometimes the word shit or damn expresses exactly what you are trying to say.

Yes, I have been to Hell and lived to tell you about it, but I have also had some AMAZING times in my life.

I have a wonderful, loving husband and three kids who are the very reason I get out of bed everyday.

So, if you can overlook an occasional bad word, get your cup of coffee, or your cup of tea, a big box of Kleenex and hang around for awhile.

You might find you actually like it here.

jackie :)

my story

Check back soon. :)

Bring the Rain

This is how I feel right now. The last week has been HELL. It has drained me emotionally and spiritually. Right now, I am holding on to God's promises and knowing that He will be walking with me through this valley.

Scroll down to the bottom and pause the player to listen to this video.

Enjoy. :)

Mercy Me-Bring the Rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Inspirational Quotes

This list is going to be a work in progress. I will add to it often and sometimes, take away. If you like a particular quote, please feel free to take it and use it. However, I do ask that you give credit to the original author and tell others where you found it.

Thank you. :)

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
~Marianne Williamson~

Tears are God’s gift to us. Our holy water. They heal us as they flow. ~Rita Schiano, Sweet Bitter Love, 1997, published by The Reed Edwards Company

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.
~Author Unknown

For some moments in life there are no words. ~David Seltzer, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

"Few of us ever live in the present. We are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone." ~ Louis L'Amour

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." ~Marilyn Monroe

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~ Jan Glidewell

Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something. They're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take. ~ Anthony Robbins

"Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but stigma and bias shame us all." ~ Bill Clinton

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. - Barnett R. Brickner

"There's such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn't be half so interesting." ~ Lucy Maud Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. ~ Carl Sandburg

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.— Dorothy Thompson

Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. — A. A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.— Semisonic, Closing Time

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. — Alice Walker, The Color Purple

In order to get from what was to what will be, you must go through what is. — Anonymous

The most important of life’s battles is the one we fight daily in the silent chambers of the soul. — David O. McKay

I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. If not, it can't be helped. -Fritz Perls

People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It never was between you and them anyway.
- Mother Teresa

"You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear." Anonymous