I love these kids. :)

So, yesterday I came home to a nasty tornado warning and sirens going off. It was really, really intense here for awhile. Jason was driving home in it. He had picked up Danielle and I knew judging by what time it was that he was getting very close to home....and the impending storm. I prayed first, then I told Kendall to get in the bathtub. I turned on the news and that is when I realized JUST how close the storm was. A storm spotter had identified a funnel cloud on the ground and it was headed right for us. I freaked out and called my son's grandfather. I was in a full blown state of panic by that time and knowing that my husband was driving in it almost sent me over the edge. Charles calmed me down a bit. I also called my best friend and told her the sirens were going off and she needed to take cover now. *She lives in a second story apartment with her two boys.* She decided it was best to try and make the drive over here before the storm hit us. So, there I was....outside....pacing....praying....and watching the sky. Debra got here first and Jason was right behind her, with Danielle. I got all the kids in the bathroom and we all started watching the news. It was then that we realized it was going to miss us by about 5 miles or so. It traveled right behind the casino and then turned and headed north of us. The casino is only about a two minute drive from our house and to be blunt, I was scared out of my mind. I had seen the severe damage the last tornado did to Arkansas' little town of Cincinnati in December.

We watched and waited.

It missed us and all we got was a bit of hail, some heavy rain and high winds.

I calmed down and later, my friend and her kids decided to go back to their own home.

A few hours after the storm I looked outside and the sky was a gorgeous red and yellow color. I told the kids to go outside to look and they were amazed at how awesome the colors looked. Before we came back in I was talking to them about if the sirens were to go off in the middle of the night, they needed to go straight to the bathroom and they weren't to try and grab anything. Just go to their safe place. Kendall looked at me and said, "Mom, what about my hermit crabs?"

Danielle, my sweet, shy, quiet daughter *she lets everyone else do all the talking around here!!* looked at him like he was crazy and said....

"Kendall, nobody cares about your stupid hermit crabs!!!"

I thought I was going to wet my pants I was laughing so hard.

If you know just how shy my step-daughter is, you obviously know this is totally out of character for her to say something like this.

I love these kids. They make me smile.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

I just don't know if I can do this.

When I went back to work yesterday I *thought* I would be returning to the same position I left....an assistant teaching position in the Pre-K room.

I was wrong.

Dead wrong.

I was made Lead Teacher of the 2 year old room.

I am responsible for a number of things, the most time consuming being planning and implementing a monthly lesson plan. I am also over the assistant teachers in my room and it is my job to make sure they do their jobs.

I am scared out of my mind!!

I have SO MANY THINGS that I am responsible for and it *almost* sends me into panic mode!!

I have to write out an activity calendar full of age-appropriate projects and activities to fill up the hours of 7am-6pm, Monday thru Friday. We have two art projects to complete each day of every week and coloring sheets are not allowed. I have to keep track of what each child is accomplishing on their individual anecdotal record. I have to plan lesson plan enhancements for each month to correspond with the monthly theme and activities. I have to plan one special celebration/party every month, complete with handmade gifts for the parents. I have to plan a chapel/faith lesson with an art project for my assigned week every month. I have to create and maintain a folder for any substitute teacher we may have if I am absent. I have to hold parent teacher conferences twice a year and more often if necessary. I have to....I have to.....I have to.....

OH DEAR GOD, HELP ME!!!!! I am so very scared.

All of my life my friends and the family that love me have always said I was a natural born leader. I am one of the best planners they know. I am so organized it makes them sick. That I am assertive, but compassionate. That I am strong, but loving. That I don't take any crap from anyone, at anytime.

Then why the heck am I so scared??

I honestly feel in my heart I can do this, but my "I am Human, and I will Fail" mind is telling me I can't.

I am now responsible for the care and learning of 15 two year olds. And, in between all of this learning, planning, reading, and writing I will need to stop and give hugs. I will need to rub backs when they can't fall asleep. I will have to change diapers for those that aren't quite potty trained. I will be singing songs and doing puzzles. I will teach them how to cut with scissors and how to count in Spanish. (I can't even count in Spanish!!!!) :)

I am humbly asking for your prayers and support as I jump into this head first. I am a bit overwhelmed and as nervous as a turkey on Thanksgiving Day, but my kids will never know that. I will hold my head up and teach them to the best of my abilities. I will try to lead and guide them down the right path. I will do my best to help them become helpers.

And hopefully, they will help Me to become a much better Me.

The Blue Room

this is where I will be tomorrow.

In the Blue Room.

With 17 absolutely fantastic kiddos from 8:30am-5:30pm.

We will have breakfast and then we will do a craft project. After that we will head outside to play basketball, ride tricycles and play hide and seek. Then the fun begins. After we get back inside, I will do one on one interaction with each child working on numbers, letters, and sight words. The other kids will be at one of several stations in the classroom doing various activities together. They will build with Legos. Some of the girls will put on aprons and mix up "pancake batter." Others will work with blocks and cars, building elaborate roadways with bridges and tunnels. Before long, it's lunch time. The wonderful, amazing Lunch Lady will bring us our food and we will all sit down to eat as a group. My kids will serve themselves after washing and drying their hands. They will use their best manners and eat with napkins on their laps. I will smile and enjoy the most exciting conversations imaginable. "Miss Jackie, did you know I have a pet turtle?" "Miss Jackie, I love to dip my grilled cheese in tomato soup!!" "Miss Jackie, you are so nice to us." "Miss Jackie, may I have some more peaches, please?"

After lunch is finished we have circle time. This is when we sing "Little Bunny Foo Foo" and do our exercises. Then, it's nap time. I will clean, sanitize and prepare for the afternoon. When the kids wake up we will work on another art project. This one will involve glue, colors, markers, construction paper cutting, and lots of enthusiasm. My kids are so proud of the things they create. I am proud of them, too. Even when the lines aren't straight or they color an entire daffodil black. I laugh and tell them, "This is such a beautiful flower." Later, we will go outside for the last time on this day. The kids will run, jump, and scream. I will watch over them with a protective eye. When someone falls and scrapes their knee I will hug them and offer a band-aid.

Later, when Mom or Dad picks up each of these precious children, I will watch them go and know I kept them safe for one more day.

I will know I helped them learn. I helped them grow a little more. I allowed them to ask questions. I was there for them when they needed help tying a shoe or remembering the words of the Lord's Prayer.

I don't have the words to tell you how much I love my job. I feel this is right where I am supposed to be at this point in my life.

I am so grateful tonight.

Grateful for my job. Grateful for these little ones and all they teach me.

Grateful for second chances.

Surviving the Journey

I need to be working on writing posts for the "My Story" and "About This Blog" links, but I am too tired to get started on it today. And to be bluntly honest, I have no idea where to start my story. Over the years more than a couple of people have been quoted as saying, "You know, you really can't make this shit up" when discussing my life and it's history. So, I don't really know where to begin.

But, I CAN tell you that yesterday was AMAZING.

We ventured out dressed to brave the freezing temperatures and brutal wind to walk in the Surviving the Journey 5K and Memory Walk. When I say it was cold, Man oh Man, it was COLD. The wind just about caused me to turn back and head right back home to my warm bed, but my kids were with me and that made me press on. So, we gathered with quite a few others to walk for awareness and remember our loved ones. Shortly after we arrived the kids and I decided to fill out notes for the memory board. This was our first walk and I really wanted to experience all of it, so I encouraged the kids to write down a message to Charlie and my Dad. Let me back track for just a minute here....My late husband's father, Charles Sr. drove up from south Arkansas with his granddaughter and her friend to be with us for the walk. He has never been to anything like this and it made me cry to have him here. We met him at the park and after hugs and a few tears we walked together to the registration table. I signed us all in and we got our t-shirts. Charles was the first to write a note to Charlie. Kendall and I wrote ours next and since Kendall was finished before I was, I didn't get a photo of him writing it. :( I actually failed at getting any really super photos because I was trying really hard to "be there" and not just be the "photographer" at the event. I wanted to experience this with my children, not have that camera stuck in my face the entire time. And I finally decided that instead of trying to capture every little detail, I would put the camera down and allow myself to be in the moment for once.

We shared in a few minutes of silence to remember those we have lost and all of the people who have attempted suicide and survived. When I looked up, everyone I saw was crying. I was so happy to not be the only one!! I was really scared I would be the only one who cried so much. It's hard to hold back the tears when you are dealing with such strong emotions. The sponsors for the walk had balloons for us to release. Holley, Kendall, and I all released two balloons, one for my Daddy and one for Charlie. It was so cool to watch as they floated away. Every one of the walkers stood and watched until none of the balloons could be seen anymore. It was awesome!!

It was great. I laughed. I cried. We shared memories. We were quiet.

But, the most important thing happened: We remembered.

Later, Kendall and his grandpa Charles spent a bit of time together here at the house. They talked and played football. We looked at photo albums. We laughed and cried some more. It was a most perfect day. I only wish Charles could have stayed longer!! We miss you already!!

Here are a few of the photos I took yesterday. They certainly aren't my best and I look totally awful. I had my hair back in a ponytail and with the headband on to keep my ears warm I look like I have no hair!! Oh well, it's not about me. It's about them.

The sign from the walk.

Kendall with his Grandpa Charles.

Kendall in the USA leather coat that belonged to his father, Charles Jr. It now belongs to Charles Sr. This is the first time Kendall has had it on and I cried when Charles told Kendall he was getting a "hug from his daddy".

Holley, Kendall, and I with the very last photo taken of my Daddy. It was taken on his birthday, 10 days before he died. It's my very favorite photo of him.

Kendall and Grandpa Charles with the very last photo taken of Charles Jr. and Kendall. It was taken at Kendall's 1st birthday on August 1, 2001. Charlie died on December 4, 2001 and this photo was displayed at his funeral. One copy now sits on Kendall's headboard and another copy is in his school binder.

Charles Sr., Kendall, and I trying our best to stay warm in the freezing temperatures!!

Holley and Shelby at the walk.

Kendall walking hand in hand with his Grandpa Charles. I tell you what, that man amazes me sometimes!! He has a really bad knee and walks with a cane sometimes, but he was determined to finish that walk on his feet and not in a wheelchair. I must have asked him 50 times or more if he was hurting or needed me to get his chair. He held his head up and kept right on going, Kendall holding his hand the entire way. I mostly walked behind watching the two of them together. It warmed my heart and made me cry big ol' tears. My son, who lost his father at age 16 months, was walking for suicide awareness with his Grandpa, who lost his son. One of them was remembering the son he misses so dearly. The other was grieving for the loss of the father he doesn't know how to miss. I was hurting for both of them. My precious son, who is my miracle baby, misses his real daddy so very much and this great man, his Grandpa, is the one person who can fill that void better than anyone else. Yes, my son has a "father" in my husband, Jason. After all, Jason has been in Kendall's life since he was 3 years old, but Jason can't give him what his Grandpa can. Charles Sr. can answer the 5, 392, 419 questions Kendall has about his Dad. Charles and ONLY Charles can do that for my dear boy.

My sweet daughter writing her note to Charlie.

I <3 You.

I miss You.

This note? The one she is hanging on the board? Well, this is when I REALLY lost it. She wrote a note for my Daddy, her namesake. It wasn't the fact that she wrote the note. It wasn't really the fact that she told him she loved him. It was the fact that my amazing, smart daughter put into words the exact thing I think every SINGLE time I think about my daddy AND Charlie. She told my Daddy she wished she could have known him. My Daddy took his life when Holley was a wee little babe, only two months old. My Charlie took his life when Kendall was just learning who his daddy was, only 16 months old. It is so crazy to me that my daughter, my sweet Holley Girl put on paper what I feel for both of my babies.

I wish they could have known them.

I wish Holley could have known my Daddy. Wish they could go hunting together. Go down to the Pit Stop in Arcadia and get a Coke ICEE with a bag of Doritos. I wanted him to teach her how to change the oil in her car. How to change a flat tire. To share all of his mechanical knowledge with her. I wanted him to take her to the lease, eat some nasty Vienna Sausages, drink black coffee and kill a couple of big bucks.

I wish Kendall could have known his Daddy. I wish they could have gone to Silver Dollar City together. I wish Charlie was here to teach Kendall how to pitch a baseball and catch a football. To help him with his homework. To tuck him in bed at night. I wanted them to make pancakes together and then eat every one of them for breakfast.

Our notes took up half of one board.

These are the notes we wrote for our loved ones. Just a few words. Not nearly all we have to say to them, but we wrote what was on our hearts at the time.

I am thrilled that I got to share this day with my children and Charles Sr. I will hold these memories close to my heart for the rest of my life.

about this blog: a warning

This blog contains things that most would consider "sensitive material".

In fact, I think I would even consider this blog "adult only".

It's your call.

Here's the deal....

I write about some really difficult issues.

Death.

Suicide.

Sadness.

Grief.

Some of my posts contain bad words.

Really bad words.

Sometimes, lots of them.

I will not censor my posts for you.

However, you DO have a choice in this.

---Take me to the kittens.---

You can choose not to read here.

I don't care either way.

This blog is not about you, it's about me.

I am sorry if this offends any of you, but I am not going to make myself into something I'm not just to make you feel better, or because I am scared of what you might think of me.

I am 35 years old, I write about some really strong emotions, and you know what?

Sometimes the word shit or damn expresses exactly what you are trying to say.

Yes, I have been to Hell and lived to tell you about it, but I have also had some AMAZING times in my life.

I have a wonderful, loving husband and three kids who are the very reason I get out of bed everyday.

So, if you can overlook an occasional bad word, get your cup of coffee, or your cup of tea, a big box of Kleenex and hang around for awhile.

You might find you actually like it here.

jackie :)

my story

Check back soon. :)

Bring the Rain

This is how I feel right now. The last week has been HELL. It has drained me emotionally and spiritually. Right now, I am holding on to God's promises and knowing that He will be walking with me through this valley.

Scroll down to the bottom and pause the player to listen to this video.

Enjoy. :)

Mercy Me-Bring the Rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Inspirational Quotes

This list is going to be a work in progress. I will add to it often and sometimes, take away. If you like a particular quote, please feel free to take it and use it. However, I do ask that you give credit to the original author and tell others where you found it.

Thank you. :)

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
~Marianne Williamson~

Tears are God’s gift to us. Our holy water. They heal us as they flow. ~Rita Schiano, Sweet Bitter Love, 1997, published by The Reed Edwards Company

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.
~Author Unknown

For some moments in life there are no words. ~David Seltzer, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

"Few of us ever live in the present. We are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone." ~ Louis L'Amour

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." ~Marilyn Monroe

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~ Jan Glidewell

Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something. They're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take. ~ Anthony Robbins

"Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but stigma and bias shame us all." ~ Bill Clinton

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. - Barnett R. Brickner

"There's such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn't be half so interesting." ~ Lucy Maud Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. ~ Carl Sandburg

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.— Dorothy Thompson

Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. — A. A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.— Semisonic, Closing Time

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. — Alice Walker, The Color Purple

In order to get from what was to what will be, you must go through what is. — Anonymous

The most important of life’s battles is the one we fight daily in the silent chambers of the soul. — David O. McKay

I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. If not, it can't be helped. -Fritz Perls

People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It never was between you and them anyway.
- Mother Teresa

"You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear." Anonymous